“Why are you single?”

It seems like when you meet new people there’s a standard set of questions people ask, ‘Where are you from?’, ‘What do you do?’, and the dreaded ‘Are you married or dating anyone?’  You can answer, that you’re from a safe haven drop off and do nothing but collect government checks and people won’t say boo, but say that you’re single and for some reason it seems to really concern people.  

There are immediately a series of follow up questions, advice and finally you’re told not to worry, you’ll eventually find someone (um thanks).  And when you’re as smart, witty, cute and fun as me, (okay, maybe no one has ever told me I’m smart) people always follow with ‘Why are you single?’  I know I’m not alone, I know my single girlfriends (who are all almost as smart, witty, cute and fun as me) are always asked why they’re single, and it can be one of the most unfun questions in the world to answer.  

Well have no fear single ladies!  Your homegirl Heather has complied a cheat sheet of answers you can run off the next time some insensitive oaf wants to know what makes you un-dateable:

“My therapists say I need to work on me before I can start a relationship.”  The key here is therapistS, not therapist.

“I’m really picky, and by picky I mean shallow, basically I haven’t found anyone of comparable hotness.”  After you say this you need to flip your hair and walk away, but not far away, just far enough so they get the very loud hint you don’t want to talk to them.  

“I really, really like Beyonce’s ‘All the Single Ladies’.”

“Fighting over the bouquet at weddings is my cardio.”

“I don’t need a man, I’m a strong black woman.”  Works best if you are not actually a black woman.

“If I had an emotionally fulfilling relationship what would my excuse for eating chips dunked in chocolate ice cream be?”  Extra points if you can manage a tear or two with this one.

“You would be amazed at how many guys are intimidated by my Dungeons and Dragons skills.”

“I choose to prey on married men.  I really don’t care for commitment and like the challenge of wrecking a home.  Is that your husband over there?”

“I’m not done boozing and whoring around yet”.  This one should be reserved for nosey old broads.

And last but certainly not least, and my go to answer, “Because I’m an asshole.”

So next time some catty stranger (it’s always a stranger – you’re friends already know why you’re social anthrax) tries to ruin your day by asking you why you’ve got a ticket for the island of misfit toys fast ferry, shoot them with your jelly gun, yell about boozing and whoring and give ’em a ‘woooooo’, or just tell them to suck it.  

Keep your heads up singletons!