Written by Alexandra Ryan
The Valentine’s Day Quiz for the Ladies
Does Valentine’s Day have you down in the dumps?
Do you feel lonely because you don’t have a significant other?
Do you think you are going to be disappointed because your significant other isn’t going to plan anything special?
Are you running out to buy a slutty red lace top to wear to the Anti-Valentine’s Day party on Tuesday night?
Are you hoping to be engaged on Valentine’s Day and if it doesn’t happen are you going to cry, bitch about it to your co-workers on Wednesday, and then make your boyfriend’s life a living hell for then next few months?
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, I would like to politely ask you to take your head out of your ass – now!
Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.
Do not let Valentine’s Day get you down. If you don’t have a boyfriend…who gives an eff! Be proud that you aren’t dating a jerk. Go out to dinner with your girlfriends;drink multiple bottles of wine; and trade stories on all of the small and large penises you have encountered in your life. If you do have a boyfriend and he has made zero effort to plan something special, make a plan for yourself! Go out with friends and have yourself a great frigid’ time. Instead of wasting money on that slutty top that you will never wear again, treat yourself to a manicure because sometimes that makes all the difference. And watch out for those sleazy men trolling for lonely scantily clad women at that party. He is not as attractive as you think and waking up in his bed will only make you feel worse. And hey, let’s be serious, you are most likely not going to get engaged on Valentine’s Day. If he does propose, say no because it’s just so cliche and he should know better. If it’s meant to be – it will be. Lay off. Nothing is worse than hearing a woman complaining about getting/not getting a ring. Enough is enough. If he doesn’t want to marry you then it’s his loss and you will be better off without him.
My girlfriends, sister, and mother have had to tell me to pull my head out of my ass on multiple occasions. I had to tell my sister Caroline to pull her head out of her ass this weekend, which was the inspiration for this blog. Caroline is a beautiful, hilarious, and intelligent teacher living in New York City with her boyfriend. Right now, he is modeling in South Africa for the month and living at a model house. This means that he is co-habituating with a bunch of hot girls. Not the ideal situation for any girlfriend but what good is torturing yourself with awful scenarios going to do? Nothing. Caroline just needed a good slap in the face. She’s back to reality and having a blast on her own! As women, we sometimes focus a little too much attention on men. I say, “Screw it.” Be selfish. Enjoy some independence. Love yourself first. And when you find your head slowly creeping up your ass, call one of your girlfriends right away.
I became so fired up while writing this blog that I picked a fight with my boyfriend last night. Readers beware – consider yourself warned.