Written by Heather Foley
Like anyone who watched the VMA’s Sunday night (or has turned on the TV, computer, smart phone, opened a newspaper et al.), I’m still kind of in shock over Miley’s performance. I really haven’t been ready to talk about it until now, and even though I’m ready to talk, I have no idea what to say. I didn’t know if my blog should be some big sisterly advice to Ms. Cyrus, tips on how to throw your own teddy bear heavy nightmare dance party, or maybe the appropriation of ratchet culture and inherently racist undertones (JK, that last one is way too heavy, but for the record I’m not a total bubble-head and I could totally write a thought provoking piece on pop culture, I simply choose not to). I think since her performance was basically an A.D.D. paradise that made absolutely no sense, my blog should follow suit. So in no particular order, here are my rambling thoughts about Miley bein Miley (and the VMAs):
- PUT. YOUR. TONGUE. AWAY. Seriously gurl, what’s up with the tongue? Do you think it makes you look sexy? Tough? Gangsta? Dehydrated? Listen, I don’t know what you’re going for, but my guess is “silly hot “and holy crap you’re missing the mark by a mile. Everyone knows the only way to nail silly hot is bikini with full clown makeup and wig, duh. And from a completely practical standpoint, you’re going to end up with a chapped chin and a bad habit. Stop now before it’s an actual bad habit you have to make an effort to break.
- Britney’s nude body suit and I’m a woman now damn it VMAs moment. Why anyone would want to go head to head with Britney in her prime is beyond me. Of all the people to open yourself up to comparisons with, bad call. Doesn’t she have people? Well clearly she does but obviously saying “that’s not a great idea, Miley” is not part of their job description.
- Run Liam, run! The Hemsworth clan seems like a pretty laid back, close knit, normal family. My advice to Liam is to go to Australia and hang out with the fam until you need to do press for Catching Fire, or head to my house sans shirt, whatevs.
- Well that NSYNC “reunion” was even quicker than Destiny’s Child at the Super Bowl. Come on Justin! JC deserves more.
- Stop trying so damn hard. Miley, I say this with love, calm the eff down. You’re cute, you’re talented (I suppose), you’re rich, you do not have to try so damn hard to be edgy. Listen to Channing Tatum in 21 Jump Street, “Don’t try hard at anything.” Ok, well maybe not anything, you should totally try hard at being a good person and stuff, but you should not have to try hard to convince us you are a sexual being, we get it.
- Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not actually twerking. Miley is basically just bending over and shaking her ass, and there is nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact my go-to dance move is bending over and shaking my ass, but it’s not twerking. Twerking is actually hella hard, the booty must not only go up and down, but also left and right, make that ass clap! Miley’s booty just shakes, and that’s perfectly acceptable. Maybe her bum just isn’t big enough for twerking (while researching I uncovered a theory that one needs a meaty ass in order to twerk) or maybe someone on her payroll just doesn’t have the stones to tell her she’s doing it wrong, either way it ain’t twerking.
- Shame on you, Robin Thicke! Robin Thicke is a 36 year old grown ass man and a father, he should absolutely know better. They have to have dress rehearsals, right? At the very least some sort of concept meeting? On what planet would anyone sit through a pitch or rehearsal for that hot mess and think, “Yup, looks like a winner”? Unless Miley and her peeps did a bait and switch? Something like, “Yeah, I’m just going to dance around” and then bam, out of nowhere she simulates sex with a foam finger. Please God, let that be what happened, and let the dancing pedo bears have been a surprise too.
- You’re killing me Macklemore and Lewis. I love these guys so hard. I love their music, their message, their anti-hip hop image, but I do not love the fact that they brought out Punk from I Love New York’s wife (aka Jennifer Hudson) out to sing with them. Her and her smug face, fart noise.
- Your hair looks stupid, Miley. Ok, no one understands the pain of growing out a super short haircut more than moi, and I can only imagine it’s about 1000 times worse when you shave the sides of your head, and I get that you want to do something fun with your hair and your options are pretty limited, but the only person who can pull off multiple top knots is Gwen Stefani. Miley Cyrus is no Gwen Stefani.
- I love your lipstick though. I like to end on a positive note, I love a red lip, and the color and shine of Miley’s lipstick is perfection. So if anyone knows what she’s wearing tweet at me (@HotelFoxtrot), I need it.
I honestly could go on and on, and if you see me in real life during the next two weeks or so I probably will, so feel free to chat me up. In closing, I’d like to say that I’ve never done a single drug in my life, but now I feel like I’ve been on Molly, and it’s terrifying. #scaredstraight
Photo by Deborah McCarthy