Happy New Year!
The start of a new year is magical – a new page on which we can write whatever we want. And this isn’t any old new year, it’s the start of a new decade and a whole new book on which to write whatever we want. So what are we going to write? Are we going to be the same indolent slummucks we were the past decade? Of course not! We’re going to be better, damn it. No one wants to start a new decade as a garbage person, but new year’s resolutions are hard.
People who, unlike me, research these things, estimate that 80% of resolutions are broken by February. I’m no mathematician or book maker, but thems don’t seem like good odds. I think the key to making resolutions is to start small. None of these vague lofty resolutions, lets keep it specific and grounded. I’ve put together a list of realistic resolutions, and I think most of us can find a couple in here that will work, so do read on.
1. Hang up clothes after you try them on.
The realistic resolution that inspired me to make this list! I saw it first on Instagram (h/t Lulus) and it spoke to my very soul. When I get dressed to go out it looks like the Enola Gay dropped a massive clothing bomb. I try on about ninety three pieces of clothing before I find something that works. And because those ninety three pieces of clothing betrayed me by not looking exactly how I imagined they would I angrily throw them around my room. In 2020 I will angrily hang them up.
2. Get a skincare regimen.
Paul Rudd has not gathered a single wrinkle since Wet Hot American Summer…the first one…in 2001. You are not as lucky. We need to take care of our skin because as cliche as it is, we only get one face. Unless you’re that lady who had her face ripped off by her friend’s monkey and got a new face, and if you are her you’ve got bigger fish to fry than finding the right serum. Anyhoo, find a skincare routine that works for you this year. Ask friends, your esthetician, your dermatologist, heck you can ask me, I look pretty good for being sixty two years old. Whatever you do don’t ask your cousin who’s knee-deep in an MLM skincare pyramid scheme, she will not point you in the right direction.
3. Take the hint when Netflix asks me if I’m still watching something.
I assume Netflix asks if I’m still watching something as a precaution against people falling asleep and missing episodes of a beloved show, and NOT to make me feel bad about myself but you never can tell. In 2020 lets tell Netflix no, we’re not still watching My Crazy Ex Girlfriend (but seriously, watch My Crazy Ex Girlfriend), even if its just a momentary pause to take a quick walk, read a chapter of a book, or grab a glass of water.
4. Drink more water.
Speaking of water, drink more of it. That’s it. That’s the tweet.
5. Delete food delivery app.
It’s way too easy to get food delivered to our half-hibernated asses. It’s not good for our checking accounts, and it’s not good for the seams of our pants. Let’s delete all our food delivery apps, k? I mean we all know we’ll still order something every now and then when we’re hungover, but at least we’ll have to work for it. PS If you’re worried one of these resolutions is going to be “consume less alcohol,” nope. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
6. Just say no.
Shonda Rhimes wrote a best selling book about saying yes to everything for a whole year. My counter to that philosophy is simply “no”. No is a complete sentence. No is healthy boundaries. No is self-care. Don’t feel pressured to be easy going, or likable, or the cool girl. Say no when you don’t want to do something, and stick to your no’s.
7. Marie Kondo your life.
Remember last January when Marie Kondo’s show premiered on Netflix and we all thought we were going to change our lives or at least get a little closer to being a minimalist? We asked ourselves “does this spark joy” while we went through our closets and touched every piece of clothing we owned? Well guess what. My bar for joy is on the God damn floor so yes, all my crap sparks joy. In 2020 we’re taking this ideology to social media; if it doesn’t spark joy it’s done. Your racist aunt who likes to share posts of Trump depicted as Jesus on Facebook? Bye! That dude you kind of know on Twitter who “well actually”s all your tweets? He’s blocked. That “friend” on Instagram who posts nothing but loving pics of her and her husband but you know she’s sending nudes to a guy she went to high school with? Ok she can stay because you too, like Marie Kondo, love mess and want to see that fiasco implode, but you get the idea. If an account doesn’t make you happy when it pops up in your timeline, it’s gone.
8. Get more sleep.
I need more sleep, you need more sleep, we all need more sleep. Just one hour more of sleep a night can improve memory, driving skills, weight control, productivity, overall alertness, stress, general health, and for my fellow athletes, athletic performance. You don’t have to be Tom Brady and go straight to bed after four o’clock Mass, but get to bed an hour earlier.
9. Enough with the insincere exclamation points.
So much of my written communications are peppered with exclamation points. Work emails, texts with family and friends, tweets, comments, and DMs, lots of exclamation points! Why exactly? Who knows? Am I trying to show I’m excited, happy, fun, grateful, and mostly not a bitch? Probably, but that crap is OVER. No one is entitled to my excitement, in 2020 you need to earn it!
10. I’ll get up early and do it tomorrow.
Legit the biggest lie I tell myself. My chronic procrastination is most likely due to a combination of self-sabotage, insecurity, guilt, shame, and a couple other things therapists have told me I need to “work on”, but what do they know? Procrastination of this level is the devil, and I really struggle with it. So here’s to eating the frog in 2020! Oh are you not a man who was born before 1900 so you’re unfamiliar with that adage? Mark Twain famously said that if eating a frog is one of your tasks for the day, best to eat it first thing and get it over with because then you can enjoy the day knowing the worst was over. So in 2020 we’re eating frogs.
Mind your business, it’s free.