Welcome back, South Boston Saint Patrick’s Day Parade revelers! To quote Paul Rudd, look at us, who would have thought. We haven’t had a S. Patrick’s Day parade since March 2019. Remember March 2019? The Aunt Becky college scandal just made the news, Captain Marvel hit theaters, The Inventor (GOAT scammer Elizabeth Holmes) hit HBO, we were singing along to 7 Rings, and Pete Davidson was dating an older brunette everyone thought was out of his league – Kate Beckinsale. We didn’t even know who Carole Baskin was; simpler times, man. Since the last time we had a parade feels like a lifetime ago; I thought I would write a refresher on coming to Southie for the parade. Just a few key points I think you should remember, by someone who has seen a lot of parades in their many, many, many years in Southie…
Get Here Early
Oh you plan on getting here early? Well whatever time that is, it’s not early enough. Bars fill up as soon as they unlock the front door, so if you’re not at the beginning of the line you’re not getting in. And since this is not a day for bar-hopping, if you don’t get in early you’re not getting in at all. NO ONE IS LEAVING ONCE THEY GET INTO A BAR. You’ve been warned.
Prepare For A Nightmare Commute
There is no ”good” way to get to Southie on parade day. If you’re thinking of driving in, half the roads are closed and you will not be able to get a parking spot after March 9th. THERE WILL BE ZERO PARKING SPOTS PARADE DAY. BTW blocking peoples driveways, handicap ramps, are not allowed for the parade; the Pope gave no special dispensation. The MBTA is a nightmare on a good day, so just imagine that ride home on the redline. Crammed in like drunk and pukey sardines, no thanks. What about an Uber, you ask? Maybe if your last name is Rockefeller (business magnate, not murderous grifter). Ubers will be roughly $24,000 each way, so cash in in those 401Ks.
The Dumpster Behind Walgreens Is Not A Bathroom
I’ll give you that the city of Boston really drops the porta potty ball every year, but contrary to popular belief the dumpster behind Walgreens isn’t a designated bathroom. Every year what seems like 100s of people lineup to take a whiz (yall dirty birds better only be whizzing) in the Walgreens-Rite Aid-Brooks Pharmacy-Osco Drug parking lot. While we’re on the subject, other things that aren’t toilets: front stoops, alleyways, driveways, the curb hidden between two cars, the curb not hidden between two cars. And you know what if you loved St. Patrick’s Day half as much as you claim to you’d take a page out of that lady astronaut’s book and wear Depends for the day.
It’s Technically A Family Event
I know, I know, weird; but a parade is family event. There will be lots of kids and families around, so please be a good citizen and act decent. I’m not saying don’t have fun, I love fun, fun is my middle name (ok it’s my confirmation name); but while out watching the parade don’t jump in front of a family to get a better look at the Cycling Murrays, or knock a kid out of the way to get a Tootsie Roll from a Stormtrooper…unless it’s an elusive Vanilla Tootsie Roll, then all bets are off.
Whatever You Do, For The Love Of God, It’s Not Patty’s Day
We’re on the verge of WWIII, in the third year of a pandemic, our country has never before been more divided (one side littered with fully grown adults who firmly believe in lizard people and that this guy is JFK Jr.); but to a lot of people there is nothing worse than using “Patty’s Day” instead of “Paddy’s Day”. I cannot explain why some people get so fired up because 1) “paddy” is an ethnic slur, and 2) who cares, but here we are.
Never Leave A Friend Behind
I shouldn’t even have to say this, but never leave a friend behind or let a friend wander off alone; that’s when the Smiley Face Killer gets them.
Now go have fun and be safe!
Make sure to check out our St. Patrick’s Day Guide filled with more helpful information!