As residents of South Boston we’ve seen a disturbing increase in crime over the years.
Statistics on drug offenses, breaking and entering and many other types of both violent and nonviolent crime have climbed steadily over the last decade. But these numbers aren’t totally accurate – there is a large amount of underreported crime that’s causing many South Boston residents to lock themselves in their homes in fear. That crime is seagull harassment.
Seagull harassment is no joke.
Based on numbers and research completely made up in my brain, it’s estimated bird on human crime is up 3000% across South Boston, which does in fact include Fort Point, and anyone who wants to argue otherwise can go kick rocks. What were once family friendly public parks and beaches have turned into virtual home bases for roving gangs of aviary bullies. And what about Sully’s? The favorite nosh spot for generations of Southie families has all been taken over by brazen feathered hooligans. Every time I go to Sully’s, I have the same ritual – stretch out while I’m waiting for my number to be called (I don’t want to pull a hammy while running for my life through the parking lot), grab my food and try to cover it up with napkins (this has never worked, birds are not easily fooled), then sprint to my car with speed and intensity to rival Flo Jo, and also a one legged leotard to rival Flo Jo.
The key is having your keys at the ready to unlock the car doors. I used to just leave the car unlocked but one day a particularly dexterous seagull was trying to open the front door with his beak and a mechanical arm that washed up on the beach. If you don’t have your keys out and ready to go by the time you get to your car, seagulls will be circling like, well like seagulls. And I don’t even know what to tell people who eat outside at Sully’s, you fools are risking your lives!
Not everyone has an effective escape route to leave Sully’s like I do. Some unfortunate souls aren’t as lucky to make it back to their cars unbothered. If I had a nickel for every time I saw some poor unfortunate soul getting Tippi Hedren-ed by seagulls I could buy us all half price hot dogs. If I’ve ever sprinted past you while fighting with giant bird over a french fry I apologize, but those suckers are scary as hell and you’re not worth it.
Now I can’t talk about the seagull problem without calling to the carpet their co-conspirators, you monsters who feed them. LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE! You’ve given them a taste for cheeseburgers, and eased their fear of humans. Basically you created nightmare fuel, well done, ya jerks.
Let’s get real guys, there is nothing scarier than the urban seagull. They are HUGE (were seagulls always this big?), have beaks that can pierce bone (so I’ve heard) and do not give a f*ck, not a one. They eyeball you like they want you to start shit, because they know they can end shit. We need to take our community back from these flying monsters, and we need to take it back yesterday. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know what resources, if any, our government allocates to gull protection (thanks Obama), but I’ve watched The Birds enough to know we simply cannot take this issue too lightly. Call your elected officials, volunteer for seagull watch groups, say a prayer to whatever deity you believe in, and most importantly STOP FEEDING THE BIRDS YOU TURDS. Goodnight and God bless.