3.1 min readBy Published On: November 10th, 2016Categories: Features7 Comments on Southie Crime Alert: Seagull Harassment

As residents of South Boston we’ve seen a disturbing increase in crime over the years.
Statistics on drug offenses, breaking and entering and many other types of both violent and nonviolent crime have climbed steadily over the last decade.   But these numbers aren’t totally accurate – there is a large amount of underreported crime that’s causing many South Boston residents to lock themselves in their homes in fear.  That crime is seagull harassment.

Seagull harassment is no joke. 
Based on numbers and research completely made up in my brain, it’s estimated bird on human crime is up 3000% across South Boston, which does in fact include Fort Point, and anyone who wants to argue otherwise can go kick rocks.  What were once family friendly public parks and beaches have turned into virtual home bases for roving gangs of aviary bullies.  And what about Sully’s?  The favorite nosh spot for generations of Southie families has all been taken over by brazen feathered hooligans.  Every time I go to Sully’s, I have the same ritual – stretch out while I’m waiting for my number to be called (I don’t want to pull a hammy while running for my life through the parking lot), grab my food and try to cover it up with napkins (this has never worked, birds are not easily fooled), then sprint to my car with speed and intensity to rival Flo Jo, and also a one legged leotard to rival Flo Jo.

The key is having your keys at the ready to unlock the car doors.   I used to just leave the car unlocked but one day a particularly dexterous seagull was trying to open the front door with his beak and a mechanical arm that washed up on the beach.  If you don’t have your keys out and ready to go by the time you get to your car, seagulls will be circling like, well like seagulls.  And I don’t even know what to tell people who eat outside at Sully’s, you fools are risking your lives!

Not everyone has an effective escape route to leave Sully’s like I do.  Some unfortunate souls aren’t as lucky to make it back to their cars unbothered.  If I had a nickel for every time I saw some poor unfortunate soul getting Tippi Hedren-ed by seagulls I could buy us all half price hot dogs.  If I’ve ever sprinted past you while fighting with giant bird over a french fry I apologize, but those suckers are scary as hell and you’re not worth it.

Now I can’t talk about the seagull problem without calling to the carpet their co-conspirators, you monsters who feed them.  LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!  You’ve given them a taste for cheeseburgers, and eased their fear of humans.  Basically you created nightmare fuel, well done, ya jerks.

Let’s get real guys, there is nothing scarier than the urban seagull.  They are HUGE (were seagulls always this big?), have beaks that can pierce bone (so I’ve heard) and do not give a f*ck, not a one.  They eyeball you like they want you to start shit, because they know they can end shit.  We need to take our community back from these flying monsters, and we need to take it back yesterday.  I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know what resources, if any, our government allocates to gull protection (thanks Obama), but I’ve watched The Birds enough to know we simply cannot take this issue too lightly.  Call your elected officials, volunteer for seagull watch groups, say a prayer to whatever deity you believe in, and most importantly STOP FEEDING THE BIRDS YOU TURDS.  Goodnight and God bless.


  1. Bob Y November 10, 2016 at 11:18 am - Reply

    Old seagulls know that cold weather means their food source (Sullivans) will be closed for the season soon. They become bolder and more aggressive when it comes to getting a meal of french fries, hot dogs or burgers.

  2. jumpin' November 10, 2016 at 3:48 pm - Reply

    So stop feeding them!

  3. Joe November 15, 2016 at 9:54 pm - Reply

    I live on Middle St near Andrew Square. The other day I was walking my dog and came across a seagull that obviously had something wrong with its wing. The bird could only try to hop away so I put my dog away and came back out. Andrew Square has a cat “problem” as in there are many feral cats that continue to breed and multiply. Well two of these cats began to harass this poor bird. Well, I captured the bird in a large cardboard box, brought him inside, gave him some water (but had no idea how to actually make him drink), and called animal control first thing in the morning. They came and picked him up and said they would either fix his wing and send him to a rehabilitation farm or put him to sleep, third option being I could adopt him and pay to have his wing fixed.
    Now I live with Charlie and his 1.5 wings.

  4. mplo November 19, 2016 at 4:28 am - Reply

    There should be huge signs all over the beaches that say “Do Not Feed the Seagulls”. Maybe that would help the situation somewhat.

    Seagulls, unfortunately, are everywhere that beaches are. I’ve even seen them at Cranes Beach, up in Ipswich. The ones up there are rather disgusting, too.

  5. Bill August 9, 2022 at 6:57 pm - Reply

    They were there first,hence the name Sea-gulls!!They need to eat,too..stop being cheap!!Buy an extra dog,throw it as a distraction,and Be On Ya Way!!

  6. KEN O'Donoghue August 12, 2022 at 2:07 am - Reply

    I worked on the San Francisco waterfront, pier 28 & would brunch & lunch @ Red”s Java House . We resorted to very effective chemical warfare tossing Tabasco soaked sourdough pieces in the air at the diving Ķamakazi gulls. They couldn’t plunge fast enough into the Bay. X- D street project rat.

  7. Sheila Connolly July 25, 2023 at 2:10 pm - Reply

    There is a recording of a dying or injured seagull that if played on a speaker anywhere on the beach or at Sullivan’s in South Boston; you will see hardly any if any seagulls again!!

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