Say No to Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Written by Heather Foley

You know me.  I like to use this blog to make an impact, tackle the big issues, voice my opinion on what I think is affecting our community.  I’m not scared of controversy.  I’m not afraid to take a stand and I don’t care if its unpopular.  I don’t care if people don’t like me for it.  I will say what needs to be said.  And today I’m going to say, enough with the ugly Christmas sweaters already!  I know it’s a big issue to come out against, but I can’t sit in silence anymore.  The ugly sweater parties, pub-crawls, Christmas cards, and general nonsense need to stop, and they need to stop now.

I remember going to my first ugly Christmas sweater party.  It was fun, it was funny, it was different, it was fresh, it was eight years ago.  If you are thinking of throwing an ugly Christmas sweater party you may still say, “Wazzzzzz uppppppp” and watch reruns of “Punked”.  In other words, you’re lame.  See, ugly Christmas sweaters aren’t funny anymore because everyone and their mother (literally, everyone’s mother has probably been to an ugly Christmas sweater party) has thrown on a goofy sweater and thought they were hip and hilarious when odds are they are neither.  Also ugly Christmas sweaters are, well, ugly, and unflattering.  Should looking bad ever be your intention when getting dressed to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Baby Jesus?  No, Baby Jesus deserves better than that, and so do you.

You might be saying to yourself, “Okay, Heather, I get that ugly Christmas sweaters suck, but I like a festive theme”, well so do I dummy!  As a matter of fact, I might go so far as to say that no one likes a theme (or an occasion to dress up) more than me, so here are few themes to replace your ugly Christmas sweater party:

Santa’s Workshop
Super easy for the hosts – hello Mr. and/or Mrs. Clause –  and your guests.  Elves, favorite childhood toys, Barbie, GI Joe, My Buddy, Jem, He-Man, She-Ra, the possibilities are slightly endless.

Have a Funky Funky Christmas
First thing you need is the single best Christmas album of all time, New Kid’s On The Block’s “Merry, Merry Christmas”, which you probably already have.  Then just grab your flyest early 90s gear.  For me that would be ripped jeans and a Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt.  Speaking of Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts, I think I want to bring them back.

Dress as Your Favorite Christmas Movie Character
I call Violet from It’s a Wonderful Life!  Or maybe that chick from “Frosty the Snowman”, she wore a sweet mini-dress and I do like to show my gams.  For dudes, I’m thinking Yukon Cornelius and the evil magician from “Frosty” are good choices.

Do They Know It’s Christmas After All
Put this video on repeat and tell your guests to dress as their favorite philanthropic 80s recording artist.  Whenever you sing along hold your imaginary 80s over-sized headphone to your ear and sway to the music.

Santa’s Naughty List
Not that kind of naughty, settle down!  Ladies, you know better than to think I’m going to give you an easy out to dress like skank, put some effort into it.  I want you to dress like someone on Santa’s Naughty List.  Basically, dress like your favorite jerk.  Hey, maybe you know a skanky jerk you can dress up as?  I don’t know, I don’t live your life.  And bonus points (even though we’re not scoring anything) if you manage to work in the classic Seinfeld line “Well the jerk store called, and they’re running out of you” at any and every opportunity.

70s Variety Show Christmas
Remember the great variety shows of the 70s?  Perry Como?  Andy Williams?  Donnie and Marie?  Well, neither do I because I wasn’t born yet, but that’s why we have the internets.  Basically, I have a sick pair of 70s feeling red plaid flared pants that I love to wear, and dudes you have it easy, turtlenecks and velvet blazers, cozy.

Only you can prevent played out ugly Christmas sweater parties.  So right here and now pledge to not throw or participate in any.  Pledge to educate your friends and family on how stupid these parties are.  Pledge to make a difference; together we can stop ugly Christmas sweaters.  Oh, and what I said earlier about not caring if people don’t like me?  Total lie, please like me. 

Merry Christmas, fools.