Valentine Recovery Plan
Written by Heather Foley
Diana Ross sang about a love hangover. I’ve never had one but I assume they’re brutal, probably worse than any booze hangover. So if there is such a thing as a love hangover, there are probably plenty of people walking around still a little love hung-over from Valentines Day. I’m not concerned about them; I’m concerned about the single folks still in the grips of their bitter and lonely hangover. Believe it or not, Valentine’s Day doesn’t really make me want to cut myself, it’s not one of my “I’m going to die sad and alone” triggers (in case you’re curious my triggers are New Year’s Eve, my birthday, Zagat guides, and the travel section of the Globe). Judging by Facebook, Twitter, and someecards.com, it’s a trigger for plenty of people out there, and I don’t want you to be sad! Let’s face it; if there’s one thing I’m concerned about, it’s other people’s feelings. So I decided I’m going to do all in my power to make you feel better. And since the pen is mightier than the sword, I won’t be mercilessly slaughtering happy couples, I’m just going to write a little something.
First of don’t be sad because no one bought you any flowers or candy. Sugary mass-produced confections and merely a weed that was yanked from the ground? Totally nothing to be upset about! And if you really want flowers and chocolate go buy yourself some today. They’re on sale and you don’t have to share your candy with the twit who bought it for you because you’re the twit who bought it for you. Yay!
You didn’t go out to eat anywhere “nice” for Valentine’s? Consider yourself lucky. For whatever reason restaurants love to do a prix fixe for Valentine’s Day. So basically the chef goes through the motions of giving you a nice dinner, just with something not nearly as nice as anything on their everyday menu – kind of like restaurant week. Not to mention that any place that uses tables clothes is a mob scene on the 14th. Treat yourself to a nice dinner out tonight, or get take out and cry on your couch – whatever.
If you either wanted to get a stuffed animal or wanted someone to give a stuffed animal to I have nothing to say to you, other than you disgust me and keep it moving.
Sometimes when people feel bad about being single, they like to remind themselves of all the stuff they can do as singles that they wouldn’t be able to do if they were in a relationship, so go out this weekend and bang whomever you want! Wait a minute, let me clarify, I have no idea what you look like, I can go out and bang whoever I want. On a scale of 1 to 10, you could be a 3 for all I know, but best of luck to you. Maybe you’ll take down a 5.
Perhaps you’re the type who doesn’t feel better until they have a good cry? If that’s the case, you should watch Love Actually, it’s a holiday movie about love, not Valentine’s Day, but still gets me every time. Not enough? Need something a little tear-jerkier? How about Terms of Endearment or the Smithsonian’s pick for saddest movie ever The Champ? If crying makes you feel better those two movies will leave you feeling like a million bucks!
Do you feel better yet? You should, seriously. And if you don’t, I’m sorry I failed you but I don’t really know what else to tell you. There are plenty of fish in the sea? Every pot has a lid? Love is patient, love is kind? A watched pot never boils? Anything? Eff it, go back to being an emotional wreck and maybe next year you won’t pass out solo February 14th with a Ben & Jerry’s lid stuck to your ponytail.