Written by Heather Foley
Caught in Southie asked me to write a little something about the Pats upcoming playoff game and like a good doobie I said “of course”. But I didn’t really know what to write about, so I got some suggestions. Tebow mania, game watching from a female perspective, picking up dudes out to watch the game, or what about a Brady/Tebow cuteness showdown? AHHHHH!!! So much going on in one game! I couldn’t decide! I couldn’t make anything flow! So here is just a random collection of thoughts concerning the game. I know what you’re thinking, “Heather isn’t everything you write just a random collection of thoughts?” And the answer is no. Those are meticulously thought out commentaries on life, society, and culture – so there.
1. Tebow. For the record, I like Tim Tebow (that’s his name, right?). He strikes me a good corn-fed white boy. I’m not a hater. (Well, I am in general, but I’m not hatin’ on Tebow.) I’m going to sound like a nana right now, but with all the thugs, punks, and a-holes playing pro sports (I’m looking at you Ben Roethlisberger), isn’t it nice to have someone who has values and morals for the youth of America to look up to? And is anyone else at least a little relieved Tebow gets tweeted about more than Snookie? Now here comes the but…….but I’ve had enough of Tebowing. Seriously. Guess what? It’s not funny or fresh or original anymore. It’s BORING. Personally I would like to see more people Kerriganing, grabbing your knee and yelling “why, why, why me?” a la Nancy Kerrigan. I’m guessing at this point if you’re Tebowing you probably also say “Sunday funday” and are icing your bros during commercials. Just stop.
2. Going out to watch the game as a lady, and I use the term loosely because a lot of you are skanks. Remember when Jessica Simpson wore that pink Tony Romo jersey and looked like an ass? Don’t do that. Have you ever seen Gisele wear a pink Tom Brady shirt? No, and you never will. Be Gisele. Don’t be Jessica. Also, you know what guys don’t think is hilarious? Asking loudly if you can turn the jukebox on during a playoff game – just thought I would pass that along.
3. Picking up a dude watching the game. Don’t, for reals. You’ll just end up looking like a giant ass. Cosmo or Glamour would probably tell you something idiotic like sit next to a cute guy and say something dopey like what a genius Bill Belichick is, but then guess what? You have to know enough about football and the Patriots to carry on a conversation (and let’s be honest, you don’t know jack squat) or you will end up looking like a complete tool. If you go out for the game, just go out for the game. ?Save your bend and snap for another time.
4. Brady vs. Tebow – the cuteness showdown. I think Tim Tebow is adorable, but I’m a little biased here. Not because I’m a Pats fan, (I know no team loyalty when it comes to measuring attractiveness), but because I’ve been told I look like Tom Brady. I think it’s the bum chin. So of course I’m going to have to give it to Tom. However, Mr. Brady you are on very shaky ground. I can’t handle another pic like the one of you coming down the water slide, ok? And your hair – it’s not that I don’t like long-ish hair, because I do, just butch it up a little please. And maybe try a beard, I like beards.
In closing, go Pats! I feel kinda bad we’re going to be the ones shutting down Tebow’s Cinderella story, especially since we all know God hates losers. Sorry Tim!