Written by Heather Foley
Just a few years ago, I would walk over to M St. Beach if I wanted a quiet place to read and get away from it all. Now, well…now M St. Beach is slightly MTV Spring Break-y, and by “slightly” I mean “very.” If you’ve been to M St. beach lately (or Southie Beach, if you’re so inclined – I am not) you’ve noticed there’s been a change in the figurative landscape. The bros and whatever the female version of bros are have taken over. Seriously though, what is the female version? Is it bras? I’m going with bras.
Now that M St. Beach resembles the front lawn of frat house, you may be a little hesitant about going, but you shouldn’t be! The beach is clean, the water is clean, and there’s slush. Three solid qualities in a beach so don’t let the bros and bras keep you away! We have two options when we head to M St. Beach: treat it like a Jane Goodall-esque anthropological opportunity to view bros and bras in their natural booze-soaked habitat (well, their natural daytime booze-soaked habitat, after 8pm you can observe them at Stats) or you can try to pass yourself of as one their own kind. If you’re up for the task of blending in, you’re going to need some help. Lucky for you I’ve done some observing that Ms. Goodall herself would be proud of – so grab your notebook.
The nose knows. First of all, like any animal in the jungle, bros and bras can literally smell danger, so you need to cover up your natural scent. I suggest a mix of Bud Light Lime and Axe body spray to lower the natural defenses of the beach’s inhabitants. Day-old Fireball and Sidewalk Cafe iced coffee may also work in a pinch.
Looks are everything. Now that you’ve made it onto the beach undetected, you’ll need to look the part. For the fellas, you’re going to need a tight tank top, yes I said for the fellas. Guys, right now I know you’re probably thinking, “I can’t wear a tight tank top, I’ll look like an a-hole.” Two things – yes you will, and that’s the point. As far as the ladies go, I suggest a tiny bikini and an over-inflated sense of self-confidence. Either sex may accessorize with a cowboy hat or anything with a Barstool Sports logo.
When in Rome. Bros and bras do not go to the beach to relax, read a book, or take a nap. From my extensive research I’ve discovered that the number one thing bros and bras like to do at the beach is talk about how drunk they got the night before and then talk about how drunk they are going to get that night, so give it a try! Loudly proclaim things like, “OMG I was soooo wasted!” “Do you know who puked in my sink last night?” And/or “I can’t wait for country Sunday at The Playwright!” Whatever you do, don’t talk politics, current affairs, or books. They’re a dead giveaway you’re not one of them. And don’t ask them where you can get Molly; they’ll think you’re a narc.
Congratulations, you’ve successfully completed Heather Foley’s course, Bro/Bra 101. You’re now ready to spend the day playing corn hole and ironically liking 90s R&B with the millennials at Southie Beach. One thing, just do us all a favor and pack a garbage bag because the barrels the city puts out can only hold about three red Solo cups, and we know those crazy kids are going through more than a few of those.