Writting by Heather Foley
Eastern Conference Championship time! For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, the Bruins play tonight. And you know what that means? The bars in Southie will be jam-packed with dudes. So it would stand to reason that Saturday night would be prime boy hunting season, right? Um, kinda, maybe, I guess? See here’s the thing, the men folk will be out to watch hockey, not listen to chick drivel. I know, I know, how can you resist the opportunity to rub elbows (literally, I’m predicting places to be packed) with tons of men? Okay, well if you’re going to go on a boy safari, at least act right, and if you don’t know how to act right during a playoff game, just follow my handy dandy advice:
- Get there early. I have a feeling most local joints will be mobbed, so get to your desired destination early. The game starts at 8pm and I advise going out at least an hour before so you can get a good seat and prove to the bartender you’re not a pain in the ass. (Never underestimate the importance of proving to a bartender you’re note terrible). While you’re there, maybe even talk to a dude or two because trust me, they are not going to want to chat during the game.
- Don’t dress like an a-hole. I’ve previously preached about the no-nos of wearing pink team apparel, but now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen pink Bruins gear, thank god. I mean, I’m sure it’s out there, so let’s just promise each other we’ll leave it alone. Also, you will be going to a bar in ninety degree heat to watch a hockey game, no need to dress like you’re hittin da club (do young people still go to da club and drop it like it’s hot? IDK). Save your body-con cocktail dress, fake lashes, and shoes you can’t walk in for another night. Some of you might be rolling your eye since I almost always have sky-high heels on, but I can stomp in them for hours, so zip it. If you’re like me and can handle the length of a game in 5-inch platforms, go for it! If you can’t there’s no shame.
- Puck drops, you shut up. I don’t care how cute you are (and BTW you’re super cute), once that puck drops no dude is going to listen to you, sorry. It doesn’t matter if the conversation flowed effortlessly and you talked about your greatest hopes and fears, once the game starts shut your mouth.
- Keep it short and simple. If you do happen to talk to a dude, during a commercial, between periods, or while play is stopped for whatever reason, just keep the conversation simple. Yes, you are watching a hockey game, so I guess you are allowed to chat about hockey, but you can only talk about what you know. Don’t mention the fourth line or penalty killing unless you’re prepared to back up your statement with a little knowledge. There is nothing worse than someone pretending to know more than they do. Actually, I’ve always found it’s best to pretend to know less than I really do. I’m really quite intelligent, but you’d never know that talking to me because people like a bubblehead better than a smarty-pants – fact.
- Chin up buttercup. Hey, if no dudes are buying what you’re selling, try not to take it too personally. They weren’t out to meet broads. They went out to watch a hot and sweaty men chase a puck around the ice. It’s not your fault (said in my Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting voice). Trying to talk to a guy during playoff hockey is like trying to talk to me while Henry Cavill was on screen during The Tudors – a futile effort indeed. So just because no one chatted you up doesn’t mean it’s time to start crying in the shower (whoops, is my crazy showing?), they were just preoccupied. You, my dear, are still a catch. Okay, I realize that sounds snarky but I was really and truly trying to be sincere.
Okay ladies, so what did we learn? Show up early, be nice to the person serving you drinks, dress like a normal human being, zip ya lip, and don’t get discouraged. Forget playoff advice, I think I just dropped some life advice on you too! Boom!