Written by Heather Foley
Feminism be damned, I love Barbie. As a matter of fact, I’ve used two different Barbies for my Facebook profile picture. I love everything about her: her impossibly tiny waist; her long blonde hair; her pink high heels; the fact that she was a businesswoman by day and a disco queen by night (see 1984’s “Day to Night Barbie”). Who cares if it’s basically physically impossible for a real woman to have her proportions? Barbie is just plain wonderful and I will argue till my dying breath that she should stay just the way the she is. She’s a doll for Christ’s sake. No one ever argues that Cabbage Patch Kids should have belly buttons that don’t look like Cheerios.
I have loved every Barbie ever made – even boring ass “Summit Barbie” who was made to commemorate the end of the Cold War. Until now. I have some serious reservations about “Cancer Barbie.”
At this moment, there is an online movement to get Mattel to create a Barbie who has cancer. Now let me say that cancer sucks, and the idea of a kid with cancer playing with Cancer Barbie is a total sad face. I’m not mad about that; what I’m mad about is the can of worms it would open up. What if it doesn’t stop with Cancer Barbie? There are a bazillion medical conditions out there; what if they all want their own Barbie? Can you picture the nightmare?
Type 2 Diabetes Barbie: She may have lost a toe or two to gangrene, but girlfriend is still rocking those hot pink plastic heels. Sure she’s gotten a little chubby, but her cans are freaking HUGE and with industrial strength Spanx she still has something resembling a waist. Elastic waist pants and Paula Deen cookbook included (I am so topical).
Compulsive Hoarder Barbie: The Dream House might look fine from the outside, but open up the front door and sweet baby Jesus it’s a mess. Boxes and boxes piled up to the ceiling and her Peaches & Cream evening gown is peeking out between cans of spoiled food. Poor Skipper can’t even find her bed under the mess. This is probably why Barbie and Ken split up a couple years ago.
Tourettes Barbie: Mattel hasn’t put out a talking Barbie since 1992’s PR nightmare “Teen Talk Barbie” who told us “Math class is tough” (which it totally is by the way). Expect a similar uproar over Tourettes Barbie. I can’t even type what she says but her favorite word rhymes with bunt. You know what? Scratch it, I actually really do want to see this Barbie, and Mattel should just call it Heather Foley Barbie.
Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong Barbie: It’s tough for Barbie to keep up appearances. So tough that she has decided to go under the knife. But Barbie didn’t do her research and wanted to save a couple bucks. She got lipo at the mall, lip injections from some shady Brazilian doctor in his bathroom, and implants from Craigslist. So her thighs look like mashed potatoes, her lips like Big Ang from Mob Wives, and her boobs feel like bowling balls.
Crack Addict Barbie: We all know addiction is a disease, I’m not saying it isn’t, however I don’t want to see Barbie as a crack head. Crazy eyes, ripped fishnets (although in her defense, who hasn’t ripped a pair of fishnets), ashy skin, scabs… the poor thing burned her mouth on a crack pipe and hawked Skipper’s bike to get her last fix. Astronaut Barbie would be ashamed to see Crack Addict Barbie at the annual holiday party.
Emotionally Damaged Barbie: Watch what you say around this Barbie, because all she hears is “You’re fat.” Did I mention she cries in the shower, collapses into a sobbing heap on the floor over little things like running out of cinnamon, and sleeps around because she never felt loved by her father? She comes with a collection of self-help books, a box of wine, and a shattered self-image.
Morbidly Obese Barbie: See what happens when Type 2 Diabetes Barbie doesn’t change her lifestyle? Forget elastic waist pants, Morbidly Obese Barbie just sits wrapped in a bed sheet drinking Mountain Dew and occasionally washing herself with a rag on a stick. And no more cruising around in the Corvette. If she needs to leave the house she’s going to have to call a big rig, and a crane.
Barbie has become a 1.5 billion dollar a year business. She has had more than 80 careers, almost a billion different fashions designed by the likes of Gucci, Versace, Givenchy, Dolce & Gabbana and Vera Wang, over a billion pairs of shoes, and is sold in over 150 countries. Barbie has some serious swag. So be forewarned Cancer Barbie crusaders, your cause may be a noble one, but you hold Pandora’s box in your hands, and the blame will be all yours if I have to explain to my little cousin how Barbie got hep C.
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Sorry but this article is not funny at all. Having friends and family members who have suffered through some of these diseases that you mock, I find the article written in bad tase and insenstive to my family and others who have gone through the same thing. Perhaps you should rethink your articles BEFORE you mock diseases that some people struggle through on a day to day basis, and some have even lost family members from these diseases. Better yet, maybe you should walk a mile in these families shoes then I can honestly say that you would NEVER write another article like this.
I think the people who are offended are missing the point. It’s meant to be funny and ironic. Not to insult or offend. What’s more offensive is the fact someone wants Mattel to make a Cancer Barbie.
How is making fun of someone with Diabetes,Tourette s ect. funny?? I am pretty sure it was the blogger who missed the point.
I’m sure you didn’t mean to be offensive and insulting but being ironic and funny without offending takes skill and talent so let’s hope they don’t invent a “blog Barbie” or you may be out of a job. :) I mean to be funny, no offense!
Soo, you find children’s illnessess’ FUNNY? NOT and neither are you Heather. You needs to get over herself.
My Mom suffers from Type 2 Diabetes, and I see her suffer and struggle trying to keeping her sugar levels under control. Did you know Heather, that In Type 2 diabetes, the body either does not produce enough insulin or does not use it efficiently, allowing excess sugar, or glucose, to accumulate in the blood? If she does not keep her diabetes under control there are short and long term complications. With that said Heather, I do NOT mean, that she will only get what was it that you said in your aritcle?? Oh yeah I remember the Barbie would get “a little chubby and have huge boogs, but have to wear spanx and elastic waist pants. “. Well Heather, one of the short term complications from Type 2 Diabetes is hypoglycemia which is low blood glucose (blood sugar). Heather have you ever seen anyone who has had this (low blood sugar)? I have seen someone and the symptoms are rapid heartbeat, sweating, whiteness of skin, anxiety, numbness in fingers, toes, and lips, sleepiness, confusion, headache and slurred speech. Well I have seen this, and it is not pretty and to let you know it is very scary for the family members trying to raise the sugar levels, and this is only a short term complications. Heather, the long term complications for this disease is eye, kidney and nerve disease and complications of the heart, brain and blood vessels. Hopefully my mom will be able to control her sugars, which she monitors several times a day. I have to say this to you Heather, next time that you choose to write an article that makes light of very serious diseases, you really should think twice.
Are people seriously upset by this? I know people get off on being outraged, but give us all a break. Maybe you should channel your energy into starting an online petition for your own Barbie? Maybe no sense of humor Barbie? Or get a life and settle down Barbie?
Heather didn’t say cancer was funny , her point was that Barbie doesn’t have to reflect the sad side of life. Yes, people get cancer, yes people are compulsive hoarders. Barbie shouldn’t be a reminder that those things exist. She should reflect the fun and happy side of life. To say that she’s insensitve because she brings up the common traits of these illnesses/disorders and makes light of them so that we’re all not crying at our desks with details of their real horrors…is just silly. Lighten up.
Am I the only person not offended? And when is she making fun of children’s illnesses? Or maybe the person who wrote that primarily speaks a language other than English? It would explain the the horrible grammar. I guess people see what they want to see.
I think people are reading too much into this. It is suppose to be a joke. It’s foolish to have a Cancer Barbie and it would be foolish to have any of the other Barbies Heather is suggesting too. But it’s a joke.
I thought the story was funny, but then I read the comments, they are the real comedy! People need to relax!!!!!
Humor can be funny, pun intended. Hoarder Barbie is funny but cancer and diabetes are too close to home for some and while I’m sure the intention was not to offend, it’s just going to hit home differently for those of us who have experienced these diseases firsthand. I just don’t understand the need to go there. Let’s move on…
Quick question for everyone so offended, did you read the blog or just into it?
Do people who suffer from these diseases get a break?? Seriously, Heather could have spared us all the details of the illlnesses and still write a “funny” blog! We GET it! The whole point of Cancer Barbie is to bring awareness to the fact that you can be bald and beautiful and not ashamed of having Cancer, NOT what cancer does to the body!! The campaign for Cancer Barbie never involved having Barbie come without any breasts or with a side accessory of breast implants to pop in her bikini! I think perhaps you’re the one who needs a reality check! I have no sense of humor when it comes to people suffering. If you’ve ever watched someone you love suffer from one of these diseases, I believe you would think differently! I do NOT find this blog funny at all! Oh and I have a life, I’m a cancer survivor!!
Just wondering why Caught in Southie is not printing all of the responses??
I would love to see you relax with no breasts, amputated toes, and uncontrollable ticks! YOU are the real comedy!
We had no idea this blog would cause this much response. We are posting the comments as quickly as we can! And all of the comments have been posted as of now.
I guess people read what they want into things. I didn’t read this as someone looking to offend or making light of anything, especially cancer! For 50 years Barbie has been a TOY (say it like Woody does to Buzz in the first Toy Story movie), she’s been a toy with a blonde hair and long legs, and that how she should stay. I don’t want to see any of the above Barbies, or any other Barbies I’ve thought of while reading it, and that doesn’t mean I take any diseases lightly! And lets remember, when Mattel put out a Barbie in a wheelchair they caught serious flack for the dream house not being wheel chair accessible, not a joke! I guess if you have a chip on your shoulder anything can set you off.
By no means was that article (if you really read it) undermining or making light of anyone who has gone through and experiences with these ailments. It was written in exaggeration (literrary technique) to highten the point of the artcle. Cancer or illness is not a joke.. and to take a children’s toy/icon like Barbie (given all the crazy versions of Barbie that have been created as listed above… many which are completely silly) takes away from the seriousness of these illnesses. Heather disagree’s with the creation of “cancer barbie” for that reason.. its a bit extreme. Turn on TLC channel sometime and you’d be hard pressed not to find a show called “600lb Mom”, or “Cancer Patient Cake Bake-Off” (not really a show.. but again, exaggeration for effect) Really its society that has a serious problem. And this whole Barbie thing is taking it too far.. whats next, “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant Skipper”?..
Obese little girls don’t wear bed sheets! Comments like yours only leave them feeling insecure and sad! Caught in Southie should find a new writer!
My dad bought me a Barbie once. It made me so happy even though she didnt look like me. On the way home he was yelling and pounding his steering wheel for approximately 10 minutes before he jumped out of his truck. He ran out in front of his truck and around to a woman’s door, stopping several cars, and then he went to his door and was running around, yelling and screaming and throwing his arms in the air as he did,” He was yelling that he could not take it anymore.
SouthBoston Online? Really? Good luck!
As a 45 yr old mother who is battling cancer and dealing with the thought of leaving my children behind.-…this sickens me..from every mother who has lost a child from cancer, diabetes, or sees their child battle tourettes, emotional problems or God forbid drug addiction..,,I SAY..YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF..you tried to be funny, but it was plain offensive…..learn empathy and humility
Heather, you really are too old to be playing with dolls even if they are fat dolls and stupid dolls
You clearly haven’t read Heather’s blog. It does not mention children or cancer. She blogs about the fact Mattel is thinking about making a Cancer Barbie and how silly that is. Not cancer. The doll. And Barbie is an adult TOY not a child. I think you should re-read her blog and know that it is a joke. This does not make any sense.
Its just a toy, so what. Some people collect them, some people play with them, In fact police in Nigeria have arrested scores of motorcycle taxi riders with dried fruit shells, pots or pieces of rubber tire tied to their heads with string to avoid a new law requiring them to wear helmets.
Barbie isnt for everyone. This reminds me of the time when I was young, I got my shoes stuck in an elevator and I was getting very silly
What the hell are you talking about?
Can someone please tell me why the author or the site is required to apologize because some of the readers were offended by a blog? It’s a blog. It’s all opinion. Blogs are supposed to be snarky and sarcastic. If you don’t like this blog, leave the site. Just like if you don’t want to watch a TV show about a hero serial killer, you wouldn’t watch Dexter. You’d change the channel. Well change the channel and just get off this site if you’re so offended. We wouldn’t want your “wittwe feewings” to get hurt, now would we? “The big mean wady huwt my feewings…waaaaaaaah!”
This wasn’t supposed to be funny–it IS funny. I hope neither Heather nor Caught in Southie apologize, but if they do I hope they have Tourettes Barbie do it. What a bunch of over sensitve babies… Part of why the world talks on erggshells
a satirical genius!
Heather is in no way mocking cancer or making a joke out of cancer. All she is saying is her opinion with a twist of humor ON THE DOLL LINE. Heather is mocking the doll line NOT CANCER. If you don’t like what she writes then don’t read it. That’s how I feel. It is an opinion site not a research article. If I am watching TV and there is something that offends me I change the channel. If you want a “cancer ” Barbie. Just take the buzzer to Barbie’s hair and do the real deal.
How dare you! As a business woman by day and a disco queen by night, I am outraged that you made light of Day to Night Barbie! Do you think it’s easy working in an office all day, then dancing all night in a puffy pink dress!?! For shame Heather! Every day I have to wake up at 6:00am, put on my ascot, pack up my hot pink briefcase and work an eight hour day. Then, when that’s over, I go into a stall in the ladies room and change into what looks like a really long tutu for a night on the town. Do you think it’s easy to be a disco queen in 1984? Christ, disco died in 1982! At least type 2 diabetes, crack addiction, hoarding, morbid obesity and emotional fragility are preventable; but I can’t help being efficient by day and FABULOUS every night!! I just pray that you never have to live this way.
When reading the blog, I almost feel like Heather really, really enjoyed writing about all the ailments of these diseases!! WOW! This is really disturbing! Perhaps, Heather has some inner phobias she needs to address!!
BEST COMMENT EVER
Everyone forgets about Whitney- Barbie’s brunette friend. Did she die?
Wow, jealous much? Sounds like someone has had a couple stories rejected. Humor is subjective, what I find funny (aka Ms. Foley) you might not, but I’m guessing you don’t really ‘get’ her, since she is more often than not making fun of herself. If satire isn’t your thing just admit you don’t get it, no need to get nasty!
Whats a blue almond martini? I want one!
Whats a “Blue Almond Martini”? weird. …
It’s just funny. Barbies are funny and obviously represent a fantasy world that little girls live in. Obviously cancer is not funny and very real. Therefor to marry the two, would just be ludicrous. Thus, what makes the blog funny.. If we can’t make fun of the problems we face, then that’s too bad. Come on, Southie, lighten up and laugh. I did have a person in my family die of cancer this year, but this article was not about cancer… it was about Barbie and the idea of having little girls playing with sick dolls is too intense and absolutely ridiculous.
I’m stressed… I think I’m gonna go out on this Friday night and drink a couple of Blue Almond Martinis… Where can I buy those?
I’ve been searching online all day and can not find a blue almond martini recipe anywhere. Anonymous bitter hater please share the recipe, it sounds yummy!
The Blue Almond Martini was Disco Barbie’s “go to” cocktail at the Copa Cabanna in the late ’80’s. I believe this led to her downfall because, contrary to the song’s lyrics, SHE was responsible for breaking up the era’s “it” couple – Tony and Lola the showgirl! Then Tony left Barbie for Ken! That’s when Barbie turned to the Blue Almond Martini to ease the pain. When the Blue Almond no longer did the trick, Barbie turned to cocaine then crack and lost her job. She is rumored to be lined up for a future episode of Intervention. This was all over TMZ and the tabloids like a year ago.
There is nothing funny about cancer…….its is just plain SAD!! And Heather says just that!! She wrote ANOTHER amazing article about what it would be like if Barbies were made to be like all the different people in the world. Barbies are ADULTS not children, they are meant to be a TOY and to be fun.. They are not meant to be reminders of all the terrible things that can happen in life….
I don’t find one part of this article offensive or insensitive. Keep writting Heather!!
I am amazed that anyone that was offended by this article. It’s obvious she was just trying to make us all laugh. If you don’t like her humor…then don’t read her articles. Sheesh.
Diabetes is rampant in my family. My dad lost both legs, my sister has it and two brother have it. I am prediabetic so I know its in my future. And I thought this blog was HYSTERICAL. People need to lighten up. Life is tough, laughter makes it better. Give yourself permission to laugh at horrible things once in a while and you’ll live longer. Heather you are a funny funny girl.
I do actually think Heather is a good writer, and She has a sense of humor, which is refreshing..I just think the defining of symptoms hit close to home in familys where their loved ones dealt with issues as having to have toes removed etc from diabetes, so its not that people don’t have lifes?, or didn’t ”get it”, I just think it was too close for home with some, and so what if mattel does a cancer barbie?..a small bald child should have a doll they can relate too, not some beautiful long blond haired doll, who has hair that they wish they had ! As a grown woman who went thru chemo and lost all her hair, I had hair envy of every haircut from short to long, almost made me CRAZY myself..thank god its growing back!..lol..So I feel for you as I do see your humor, but I also see why others don’t..its a tough one!..good luck.