Written by Heather Foley
Feminism be damned, I love Barbie. As a matter of fact, I’ve used two different Barbies for my Facebook profile picture. I love everything about her: her impossibly tiny waist; her long blonde hair; her pink high heels; the fact that she was a businesswoman by day and a disco queen by night (see 1984’s “Day to Night Barbie”). Who cares if it’s basically physically impossible for a real woman to have her proportions? Barbie is just plain wonderful and I will argue till my dying breath that she should stay just the way the she is. She’s a doll for Christ’s sake. No one ever argues that Cabbage Patch Kids should have belly buttons that don’t look like Cheerios.
I have loved every Barbie ever made – even boring ass “Summit Barbie” who was made to commemorate the end of the Cold War. Until now. I have some serious reservations about “Cancer Barbie.”
At this moment, there is an online movement to get Mattel to create a Barbie who has cancer. Now let me say that cancer sucks, and the idea of a kid with cancer playing with Cancer Barbie is a total sad face. I’m not mad about that; what I’m mad about is the can of worms it would open up. What if it doesn’t stop with Cancer Barbie? There are a bazillion medical conditions out there; what if they all want their own Barbie? Can you picture the nightmare?
Type 2 Diabetes Barbie: She may have lost a toe or two to gangrene, but girlfriend is still rocking those hot pink plastic heels. Sure she’s gotten a little chubby, but her cans are freaking HUGE and with industrial strength Spanx she still has something resembling a waist. Elastic waist pants and Paula Deen cookbook included (I am so topical).
Compulsive Hoarder Barbie: The Dream House might look fine from the outside, but open up the front door and sweet baby Jesus it’s a mess. Boxes and boxes piled up to the ceiling and her Peaches & Cream evening gown is peeking out between cans of spoiled food. Poor Skipper can’t even find her bed under the mess. This is probably why Barbie and Ken split up a couple years ago.
Tourettes Barbie: Mattel hasn’t put out a talking Barbie since 1992’s PR nightmare “Teen Talk Barbie” who told us “Math class is tough” (which it totally is by the way). Expect a similar uproar over Tourettes Barbie. I can’t even type what she says but her favorite word rhymes with bunt. You know what? Scratch it, I actually really do want to see this Barbie, and Mattel should just call it Heather Foley Barbie.
Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong Barbie: It’s tough for Barbie to keep up appearances. So tough that she has decided to go under the knife. But Barbie didn’t do her research and wanted to save a couple bucks. She got lipo at the mall, lip injections from some shady Brazilian doctor in his bathroom, and implants from Craigslist. So her thighs look like mashed potatoes, her lips like Big Ang from Mob Wives, and her boobs feel like bowling balls.
Crack Addict Barbie: We all know addiction is a disease, I’m not saying it isn’t, however I don’t want to see Barbie as a crack head. Crazy eyes, ripped fishnets (although in her defense, who hasn’t ripped a pair of fishnets), ashy skin, scabs… the poor thing burned her mouth on a crack pipe and hawked Skipper’s bike to get her last fix. Astronaut Barbie would be ashamed to see Crack Addict Barbie at the annual holiday party.
Emotionally Damaged Barbie: Watch what you say around this Barbie, because all she hears is “You’re fat.” Did I mention she cries in the shower, collapses into a sobbing heap on the floor over little things like running out of cinnamon, and sleeps around because she never felt loved by her father? She comes with a collection of self-help books, a box of wine, and a shattered self-image.
Morbidly Obese Barbie: See what happens when Type 2 Diabetes Barbie doesn’t change her lifestyle? Forget elastic waist pants, Morbidly Obese Barbie just sits wrapped in a bed sheet drinking Mountain Dew and occasionally washing herself with a rag on a stick. And no more cruising around in the Corvette. If she needs to leave the house she’s going to have to call a big rig, and a crane.
Barbie has become a 1.5 billion dollar a year business. She has had more than 80 careers, almost a billion different fashions designed by the likes of Gucci, Versace, Givenchy, Dolce & Gabbana and Vera Wang, over a billion pairs of shoes, and is sold in over 150 countries. Barbie has some serious swag. So be forewarned Cancer Barbie crusaders, your cause may be a noble one, but you hold Pandora’s box in your hands, and the blame will be all yours if I have to explain to my little cousin how Barbie got hep C.