Written by Heather Foley
The past few days, I’ve been super distracted; at work, at home, at the gym, it doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing, I just can’t focus. Why? Well, because my boobs are huge. I should back up a little, the good Lord bestowed many blessings on me, skinny wrists and ankles, an adorable chin dimple, razor sharp wit, an acceptable female level of intelligence, but alas I wasn’t in line when the big guy was giving out boobs (I totally went back for seconds when he was giving out bums though, wait, I don’t have two bums, I’m just saying I have one kinda big one, I’m not a double-bummed freak of nature). So when I say huge – I mean huge for me, which really isn’t huge at all, but I’m still pretty distracted by them and they’re friggin popping out of my bra (direct message me for pics).
I should be psyched with my newfound chest, and I pretty much am, but waking up one day at 27 with a new rack is a little puzzling. Is it the hormones in the chicken that I eat or the milk I have been slathering on my chest? If it is, it’s about time. Or is it the daily visualizations of C cups a la “The Secret”? If I was the least bit um “active”, I would be concerned I was pregnant they’re so swollen – Immaculate Conception anyone? I was seriously perplexed so I did what anyone would do, I texted some friends. A few people suggested Aunt Flo (she’s never brought me ta-tas before, why start now) but then one of my genius friends hit the nail on the head, moon boobs. That’s right, guys, I gots a case of the moon boobs. August has two full moons, the second of which is tonight and is called a blue moon – which is super rare, hence the phrase “once in a blue moon”, so of course stuff’s going to get weird. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it myself; sometimes I’m so dumb.
Skeptical? Hear me out. The moon is the real deal. It’s like super powerful and stuff. I did some research (also known as a bing search) and in addition to controlling um THE OCEAN, there’s also websites that claim animals are more likely to bite, animal ERs see about a 25% increase in injured cats and dogs coming in (the animals always know when something is up), hair and nails grow faster, surgeons are more likely to make mistakes, human blood gets thinner, and people are more likely to act plain old weird during a full moon. And this month has two full moons, so double trouble. Now I didn’t do much reading up on these claims (who has the time) but I did read a grammar school science website’s explanation of the tides and it said the basically the moon is awesome, the water in the ocean knows its awesome and wants to go meet it, and that’s how the tides move – they just want to see the moon. So if the moon is so awesome that it makes the ocean move, who’s to say it can’t make the water in the a human body move?
The bad news is the blue moon is over tomorrow night, and the next one isn’t until 2015, so I really only have 24 more hours to enjoy being buxom, then its back to being flat as a board (well maybe I’m not quite as flat as a board, maybe a slightly bumpy board). Unless of course I can convince my body to hold onto its new lunar induced proportions for a few extra days so I can have the cans for the long weekend, because let’s face it, having them just for a couple weekdays is king of a waste, right? I mean don’t I deserve to have big boobs for just one weekend? Well, once in a blue moon anyway.
Disclaimer: Those are not Heather’s boobs in the picture! Those boobs belong to a Victoria’s Secret model.