Written by Heather Foley
If your Facebook and Twitter feeds are anything like mine, they’ve been all clogged up with “yay, fall” nonsense since the end of August. And if you’re anything like me your eyes are sore from rolling them at every fall post. Seriously guys, can we all just CTFD* about fall already? Fall is not that special, what does it have that the other seasons don’t? Maybe it’s better than spring since spring in New England can be an effing nightmare, but it’s certainly not better than summer. So what it is about fall? I honestly don’t know, but there seems to be a few consistent things that seem to get people all fired up.
Pumpkin crap. OMG why do chicks like pumpkin crap so much? Have you ever seen anyone go as nuts about anything as chicks do about pumpkin spice lattes? It’s insanity. I’m pretty sure I’ll never be as excited about anything as some of my Facebook friends are about pumpkin spice lattes. And here’s a little reality check, they’re terrible for you. Even the sugar free ones. They’re flavored with fake pumpkin syrup, there is no actual pumpkin in them, so they’re not really even seasonal and you can get them year round. Also at this stage of the game the fake fakey pumpkin smell in lotions, candles, and soaps is enough to make me gag. Please stop everyone.
Pumpkins themselves. People who post about pumpkin carving, you realize the pumpkins are pretty gross, right? Hollowing out a pumpkin is totally yucky, and it stinks – the pumpkin guts literally smell.
Sweater weather. I’m sorry, but sweater weather is not the best weather. Beach weather beats sweater weather any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Daytime sweater weather can turn downright freezing once the sun goes down, and maybe I don’t like bringing a jacket with me everywhere.
Apple picking. Why are people so bonkers for apple picking? Driving an hour plus to work the fields like a migrant farm worker? No thanks; I’m good with the farmers market. But if you’re going apple picking, I’ll take some apple cider donuts, please and thank you.
The leaves. Fall leaves are pretty for about five minutes, then they slowly start to morph into bug infested sludge. And when leaves get slimy, they get slippery, and nothing ruins your day faster than falling in a mess of decomposing leaves.
Now just so I don’t come across as a total curmudgeon (am I too late?), there are a few things about fall that I don’t think are completely the worst.
Boots. I love boots, they make me happy. Ankle booties, riding boots, knee high boots, over the knee boots, I love them all and I legitimately look forward to wearing them, so yay for boots.
Halloween. I kind of love Halloween, basically I love any excuse to dress up. I also really love mini Mounds bars.
Red wine. For some reason it’s much more socially acceptable to have purple teeth in October than in July, go figure.
In the olden days I probably would have listed the fall television lineup as something I liked about fall, but now that we’re in age of HBO, Showtime, AMC, and Netflix, fall TV ain’t no thang. I can watch awesome shows whenever I want, the fall thrill is gone. I guess what I’m saying is, fall is not totally terrible, but it’s absolutely nothing worth getting all hyped up about. So if you’re the one who screeches about pumpkin spice lattes just take a breath and remember that you can get pumpkin syrup year round, so CTFD.
*Editor’s note: for those readers older than forty, CTFD stands for Calm the f*ck down.