Crap I’m too old for

Written by Heather Foley

Last weekend was my 33rd birthday.  Like any normal, rational person I celebrated by crying in my bathtub all weekend.  A lot of you already know this, but getting old sucks.  Your bones creak, the skin around your eyes turns to crepe paper, grey hairs pop up like little pipe cleaners along your part, and that’s just the physical stuff.  It seems like every year I feel too old for something new, and that feeling is the worst.  Now you might not feel that way.  You may feel that like fine wine you only get better with age and you can do and/or wear anything you did and/or wore when you were 25.  And to that I say good for you.  Seriously I’m jealous, I wish I had the same outlook as you.  Alas I don’t, I have a very specific list of things I’m too old for.  You may agree, you may disagree, you may have thought I left a few things off.

Crazy eye makeup.  My days of colorful funky eye makeup are over.  I used to look cute and whimsical when I wore mint green eye shadow, now I look like Mimi from The Drew Carrey Show.  Same deal with any glitter makeup.  Shimmer makeup is all well and good, but full on pieces of glitter is a big no no.

Flip flops with everything.  When you’re young flip-flops translate to laid back Cali style, when you’re 30+ flip flops translate to lazy bum with questionable employment.  Yes, I love flip-flops and they absolutely have their time and place, but after a certain age you really should wear real shoes the majority of the time.

Message Ts.  I may have touched upon this before, but at some point you are just too old to wear message t-shirts.  Your clothes should say something, just not literally.  I think we call agree it’s kinda sad to see a 35 year old woman wearing a shirt that says “CUTIE”.

Little to no sleep.  Remember when you could stay up till 4am and pop up like toast at 8am ready to attack life?  Ah the good old days.  Now if I’m heading out I need a nap beforehand, sleep till around noon, and take another nap the next day.  Oh and forget staying out till last call, nana wants to beat the rush top catch a cab.

Slumming it on vacation.  In my early 20s my friends and I would pile eight or so girls into a hotel room for a long weekend away.  Nowadays that sounds like my worst nightmare.  One hotel room, two beds, one bathroom, four outlets, and eight girls, the math just doesn’t add up.

Metabolism.  In my younger years it would take seven straight days of chicken parm subs for lunch and pasta for dinner for me to gain a pound.  Now if I have a Lara bar after 7pm I can’t button my pants the next day.  A sub and pasta in the same day?  I would be in sweatpants for a week.

So yeah, it totally blows that I’m old and lame (although I’ve always been a bit lame, so no big loss there I guess) but believe it or not there are plenty of things that I’m not too old for.  Right off the top of my head I can tell you I’m not too old for zits, New Kids On The Block concerts, and knowing better.  And I would go so far as to say there are things I’m too young for, like ribbon candy and early bird specials.  So maybe all is not lost, maybe I still have a few good years ahead of me, or maybe I should just give it up and start watching “Murder She Wrote”?