Last week, I put on some shorts too short for anyone as pale-thighed as myself and went for a run. I love running. It can be a tough habit to get into but once you do, it’s a great way to help you feel superior over other people. Also, when you’re at the Seapoint feasting upon chicken wings and Bud Light, you can say to yourself in the bathroom mirror: “I will run this off! No worries!” and then someone from the stall will say “Who are you talking to?” and because you are in such good shape, you can flee quickly without losing your breath.
But on this fateful day, I saw something I did not expect to see. It wasn’t a pile of discarded nips or bags of dog shit. That I expect to see. What I saw this time was a very real, and very wild coyote. Well, actually the first thing I noticed was that the walkers, runners, and stroller pushers of Day Blvd were not in their normal AirPod bubbles listening to true crime podcasts. They were gathered in small groups, actually talking to each other and pointing at something. I thought to myself “What else could these people be looking at when a local celebrity like myself is scantily clad and in their midst?” but then I remembered my therapist told me to stop thinking like that and took my own AirPods out to investigate.
At first glance, it seemed to me that they were looking at a skinny and dirty Golden Retriever which had somehow gotten free of its Vineyard Vines leash and was far from its fleece vested owner, but upon closer inspection, I realized it was no domesticated pooch at all but a canis mammalia just chilling on Carson Beach eating shellfish.
For the following three days, I saw the coyote every day and it seemed to be getting closer and closer to people each time. As the word spread about our newest Southie wildlife, people seemed to be becoming more bold. They were getting closer to it to take pictures, and some people who I considered to be utter psychopaths, were letting their dogs off-leash to play a mere 20 yards from he/her/him/they/Wiley.
I even saw a man, who seemed to me to be taking a break from smoking and playing Keno, attempt to scare the coyote away from the beach by waving his arms and yelling “Git! Get out of here! Kids play here! This beach is for people, not animals! Git!” The coyote did run in the opposite direction about 20 yards and then he stood and looked back at the man as if to say “I speak no English nor follow your human rules. Also, sweet Larry Bird jersey.”
My source at City Of Boston Animal Control (who would like to remain anonymous due to the fact he just told me this in passing and I didn’t tell him it was for a hilarious blog) says “There is nothing to worry about. There are actually two coyotes. They are healthy. I think it’s kinda cool. Also, we don’t have tranquilizer darts. That’s more of a Parks Department thing. Why are your shorts so short?”
The moral of this wild tale is such: Live and let live. The chances of a coyote attacking an adult human are very slim, but it’s still wise to exercise caution. Keep your dogs on a leash, and keep small children on a leash. Bring your cats in at night and maybe give your kids a weapon if they are planning on digging for clams at sunset or sunrise. Basically, just leave the damn thing alone.
It’s going to be over soon anyway. The coyote is expected to avoid the area as summer approaches because they are known to be afraid of large crowds, marijuana smoke, and Bluetooth speakers blasting EDM music.
In the meantime, I’ll be out here running, staying fit and enjoying my new hobby of trying to hand feed coyotes.