I’m going to let you in on a not so little secret, I kinda hate the St. Patrick’s Day Parade. I love the actual holiday, live Irish music, Irish step dancing, Evacuation Day exercises, day drinking, but the parade is amateur hour in Southie. Knuckleheads come in droves and turn my sleepy little beach-front community on its ear. And do you know who I think are the worst offenders? The ladies! I use the word “ladies” loosely because there’s very little ladylike behavior going on. That ends now. I’m not the fun police. I want you to have a good time while you’re here in Southie, however there is no reason you can’t conduct yourself in a manner your grandmother would be proud of, or at least not horrified by.
First off it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Not everyone can start the day funneling Bloody Marys and make it to post-parade. Know how much you can handle. And there’s no shame in skipping a round or three. Well, maybe there is a little shame, but trust me, there’s much more shame in passing out at L and 5th with dried throw-up on your Irish knit.
Speaking of Irish knits, let’s dress appropriately, shall we? When you plan your outfit ask yourself, “How will I be spending the day?” If the answer is, “on my friends couch” you probably don’t want to be dressed in four layers topped off with an Irish knit sweater. If you’re bar and house party hopping or plan on standing and watching the parade you might want to leave the green four inch hooker heels at home. Don’t get me wrong, they are awesome, but even RuPaul would have trouble walking from the Broadway Station to the M St. Park porta potties in those things. Speaking of looking like a skank, lose the green knee socks. You look like you were turned away from a barely legal porn audition for not being believable as a woman men would want to have sex with. And ladies just because its St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t mean you have to pile on every green article of clothing and accessory you own, then go to iParty and buy all their green crap too. Green can be a tricky color, its not super flattering on everyone (I have no problem wearing it, but some of you do). Coco Channel said to take off one thing before you leave the house, let’s follow her advice. Actually some of you should take off at least 2 things, I’m talking to you with the shamrock antennae and beer mug sunglasses, you look ridiculous.
I know you want to raise the roof, drop it like it’s hot, get crunk, whip and/or nene, and whatever the hell else kids do nowadays, but remember the whole day is planned around a parade, and a parade means families, and families mean children. I know it’s hard to believe, but yes the St. Patrick’s Day Parade is technically a family event and every street will have impressionable little ears on it, so please act like it. I’m not saying don’t have fun, but let’s make a pact to watch the swearing, peeing, and puking in public. And if you really feel the need to swear, why not swear in pig Latin for uck-fae’s sake?
So even though I warned you to take it easy, you over-indulged (I wish I could say I was surprised) and now you’re wasted. Nice job, Anna Nicole. Okay, you can still make it through the day with some of your dignity intact. Look down, is there puke on your shirt? If yes, turn it inside out or backwards. If no, excellent. Now grab an empty green solo cup, pretend to drink from it but we’re really just keeping it close by in case you need to puke into it, discreetly of course. Try to get your hands on a scally cap and angle that brim down low to cover up your drunky eyes. EAT SOMETHING. Seriously, now would be a good time to have a couple crackers. Are you wearing a skirt? If you are you might want to enlist the help of girlfriend to let you know if you flash your lucky charm (always a dead giveaway that you’re smashed), and depending on the cut of your top, she might have to be on boob patrol too.
Final lesson, know when to go home. I have to admit, this is something I struggle with. I have no idea when to call it a night, or a day for that matter. I’m always afraid I’m going to miss something. But here’s a little secret about Sunday, you won’t miss anything good if you pack it in while it’s still light out. Sure you might miss a scary fight or two, some chicks crying in the middle of the street, a DB peeing in an alley way, and general grossness, but nothing you want to see anyway.
Are you ready for Sunday now? Do you think you can enjoy the day like a big girl? I think with my advice and some common sense you’ll make me and your nana proud. And not to sound threatening, but I’ll be out and about, looking, listening, taking notes. If I see you actin a fool, I will call you on it, and I really don’t want to have to call anyone an unt-cae in front of the children.