Written by Keryl Dimaggio Hayes
Let’s talk about sex, baby! Or in the case of most parents, the lack thereof! If you are one of those rare cases that still manage to keep at like college coeds, then kudos! But for the rest of us that have little ones in the house, I am sure that the hanky-panky has dissipated considerably. And there are many variables that attribute to this.
Let’s see….there is the fact that after keeping up with children who have the stamina of the energizer bunny, cooking dinner, cleaning up and finally getting the kids to sleep, there is NO energy left over for sex! The sexist thing I can think about is trying to catch up on the infinite list of DVR shows that we adults can never watch. Please don’t tell me what Sookie Stackhouse, Ned Stark, and Nucky Thompson are up to, I am not there yet!
So that brings us to, if you can’t end the day with it, maybe we can start the day that way! Well, that idea gets squashed ceremoniously when one or two of my children undoubtedly make their way to our bed in the wee hours. I know they say that you should never let them sleep in your bed or you will never get them out, but we already opened Pandora’s Box and there is no going back!
Now what does that leave us with…..daytime sex! You know, the nooner! How do we manage this while the darlings are awake you ask? Two words….WILD KRATTS! For those of you who are not familiar with this show, it is two brothers that teach about different animals and then they become cartoon characters with the abilities to morph into said animals. It turns my two ever moving, ever mischievous kids into mini zombies for exactly 23 minutes! This by the way, is the only way I can shower every day….don’t judge me…it is a guaranteed 23 minutes of actual peace in my day and the bonus is that my children get to go around spewing words like “nocturnal” and “bioluminescent” at people and I get to say, “Yeah, my kid’s wicked smart!”
But I digress! My husband has it down to a science now. It has to be a day when he is off, that we are not exhausted yet and WILD KRATTS must be on! Then for the measly 23 minutes of our week, we are able to say, “Oh hey! We do like each other!”
As a side note, I married into a family of over-sharers. I am talking serious T-M-I! Anytime we walk into a family function, my husband feels the need to announce to his sister that he “got sone” to which she will reply, “So did I!” Sometimes they will follow up with a high five. Usually my brother -in-law and I will retreat to separate corners of the room in the fetal position and cease to make eye contact for the rest of the day!
While we are on completely mortifying topics, let’s talk about getting caught…by your child…mid-production! My worst nightmare came true one morning when my husband and I awoke one weekend with nobody else in our bed and our two little angels were still fast asleep at 8am. When does this ever happen? Never! So we felt the only appropriate course of action was…well…you know!
My daughter must have been a ninja in a past life. I am still not sure how she managed to make it up the stairs while the baby monitor was on, with 4 pillow pets in her arms, and to the side of our bed a mere ½ foot away from our faces undetected and shouting, “I want to snuggle too!” I am ashamed to say that my response was less than mature. That is, I screamed and ducked under the covers, leaving my husband to deal with a shocked 4 year-old. He calmly told her that we couldn’t possibly snuggle without her brother, so she needed to go downstairs and wake him up. Thus giving us enough time to regroup and join them. I don’t know if it actually registered with her that something was going on, but I will never know because I am never going to address it!
I guess it could have been worse. A friend of mine’s daughter actually hopped on her husband’s back and yelled “Giddy-up, Daddy!” I don’t think I could have recovered from that! My point is that it is a risky business, but in the end, totally worth it!
Thank you, WILD KRATTS!
Keryl Dimaggio Hayes is a busy mother of two children who enjoys writing stories about the humor in her everyday life. She was born and raised in South Boston and currently lives in Braintree with her husband Joe.