5 Things a Woman

So my last blog I dissected an article from MSN about the five things no grown woman should ever wear and explained why they were way wrong.  Then I promised you that I would give you my list.  Disclaimer: This was harder than I thought, mostly because I’m pretty disagreeable, so once I started thinking about it I realized there’s a lot of clothes out there that I totally hate.  Here is what made the cut – hopefully you don’t own any of this crap – and if you do, do us all a favor and take a match to it.

 

1. The cat sweatshirt.  I seriously hope none of you have this top offender in your closet.  Maybe you’re even thinking, “What the heck is cat sweatshirt?” and that’s good, very very good.  I’m literally talking about a dingy cotton sweatshirt with a cat (or cats) printed on it.  Ga-ross.  And while we’re at if you have a sweatshirt with puppies or horses or teddy bears on it, you’re terrible too.

2. Seasonal turtlenecks.  I don’t mean seasonal as in winter, I mean seasonal as in holiday.  I feel like ever since Oprah came out publicly against Christmas sweaters their numbers have been on the decline, but I worry that holiday turtlenecks are taking their place.  We’ve all seen them, leaves in the fall, candy canes at Christmas, snowflakes throughout the winter, and so on and so forth.  No self-respecting woman should ever wear one, unless you’re dressing up as Ms. Lippy for Halloween.

3. The cult dress.  Also know as the “I give up dress” it’s about ankle length, high to turtleneck, has no shape, and is probably worn with beat up flats.  Maybe it’s even ribbed or has a vest attached to it, either way the space ship hasn’t come yet and I think it’s safe to throw it away.

4. Button down shirt with a cartoon character coming out of the pocket or peaking out from the buttons.  If you own one of these shirts you probably have stupid hair down to your stupid bum and at least two other articles of clothing from this list.  I don’t have to explain this one any further, right?

5. Message t’s that say “hottie”, “cutie”, or anything about how physically attractive you allegedly are.  I’m pretty opposed to adults in message t’s in general (both males and females), but these take the cake (and if you wear these I’m going to assume you have a daily slice of cake, because you’re eating your feelings).  Let me break it down for you, your face, physical appearance, intelligence, humor, and overall way you carry yourself should tell others you’re attractive, if it takes words stamped across your chest, you’re doing it wrong.

 

And here is where I made myself stop.  I could have added to this list til the cows came home (honorable mention goes to cow print pants), but I capped it at five to keep with the spirit of the original article.  Please print this list out, take it into your closet, and clean said closet out accordingly. Then when you’re done,  give the list to someone who needs it.  They may be offended at first that you don’t like their chambray Looney Tunes button down, but they’ll get over and will be a better person for it, I swear!