5 Things a Grown Ass Woman

Written by Heather Foley

The other day I was scanning MSN.com, when I came across an article that caught my eye, “Five Things a Grown Ass Woman Should Never Wear”.  Okay, it was just “grown woman”, but saying “grown ass'” is just way more fun.  I immediately clicked on the link excited to see what knucklehead, grown ass (so much more fun) women are wearing in droves so big that MSN has to post a don’t list.  The articles of clothing we should never wear are, in no particular order: overalls, pigtails, scrunchies, metallic liquid leggings, and a tube top.  Ah-hem.  I have to admit, I find their list both underwhelming and erroneous, and as a grown ass woman I totally wear some of this stuff, and I wear the hell out of it, thank you very much.  Now I know not everyone can wear everything (even me – I have a pair of mittens that make my wrists look fat), but saying no grown woman should ever wear these things?  Wrong and here’s why:

1. Overalls.  I get the knee-jerk thinking behind putting these on the list.  They’re associated with farmers, and Blossom for cryin out loud, but I think if the author thought this one out, they would have X-ed overalls off the list during the rewrite.  I concede that overalls are almost impossible to pull off.  But every once in a while a chick does pull them off and I think they look pretty darn awesome.  They’re a little quirky and cute, and by wearing them a woman is saying “Yup, I am so self-confident that I am killing these overalls, haters to the right.”  But buyer beware, overalls aren’t for the faint of heart, or those lacking confidence, so don’t wear them if you fall into either category.  And yes, I have a pair of overalls.  Well, overall shorts which are probably double no-nos in the authors eyes.  They’re True Religion and they’re fabulous
2. Pigtails.  The vast majority of the time pigtails look absolutely ridiculous on anyone old enough to vote, BUT I don’t think we should rush to saying you should never ever wear them.  What if you have a valid reason for some Princess Leia pigtail buns?  Or maybe you’re wearing pigtails at the beach all day so you’ll have beachy waves for going to da club that night?  And aha ya burnt MSN.
3. Scrunchies.  I bet you think I’m going to side with MSN on this one, right?  WRONG.  There are many instances in which a scrunchie is perfectly acceptable.  In the bathroom washing your face, at a mud fight, going to a sweet 80s party, when you’ve finally given up and plan on slitting your wrists, all totally scrunchie friendly!
4. Metallic liquid leggings.  Tough call, tough call.  The Grace Kelly timeless beauty in me says, “metallic liquid leggings?  You can’t be serious?”while clutching her pearls, but the non-conformist in me just typed “metallic leggings” into an eBay search.  Who will win this battle of wills in the end?  Only time will tell, but odds are, you might see me in metallic liquid leggings in the near future.
5. Tube top.  Anyone who knows me knows I am proudly pro tube top.  Tube tops are plain old all American fun.  With that being said I am not advocating you wear a tube top everywhere with everything.  We need to handle tube tops on a case-by-case situation.  CASE-BY-CASE, and in my case I can absolutely pull off (and after a couple cocktails pull down) a tube top.  Don’t hate MSN  – it’s a bad look.

So after I mentally decimated the MSN list, I got to thinking, since none of those things deserved to be on a never wear list, what should be on the list?  Well, sorry kids.  You’re going to have to wait for next week for my list.  That’s right, this piece is a 2-parter.  And that is what we call a teaser mofos.  Until next week…….and until then maybe you should ask yourself, “Would any of these clothes be on Heather’s list?” before you leave the house.