3.6 min readBy Published On: May 29th, 2012Categories: Features7 Comments

Written by Heather Foley

The other day I was scanning MSN.com, when I came across an article that caught my eye, “Five Things a Grown Ass Woman Should Never Wear”.  Okay, it was just “grown woman”, but saying “grown ass'” is just way more fun.  I immediately clicked on the link excited to see what knucklehead, grown ass (so much more fun) women are wearing in droves so big that MSN has to post a don’t list.  The articles of clothing we should never wear are, in no particular order: overalls, pigtails, scrunchies, metallic liquid leggings, and a tube top.  Ah-hem.  I have to admit, I find their list both underwhelming and erroneous, and as a grown ass woman I totally wear some of this stuff, and I wear the hell out of it, thank you very much.  Now I know not everyone can wear everything (even me – I have a pair of mittens that make my wrists look fat), but saying no grown woman should ever wear these things?  Wrong and here’s why:

  1. Overalls.  I get the knee-jerk thinking behind putting these on the list.  They’re associated with farmers, and Blossom for cryin out loud, but I think if the author thought this one out, they would have X-ed overalls off the list during the rewrite.  I concede that overalls are almost impossible to pull off.  But every once in a while a chick does pull them off and I think they look pretty darn awesome.  They’re a little quirky and cute, and by wearing them a woman is saying “Yup, I am so self-confident that I am killing these overalls, haters to the right.”  But buyer beware, overalls aren’t for the faint of heart, or those lacking confidence, so don’t wear them if you fall into either category.  And yes, I have a pair of overalls.  Well, overall shorts which are probably double no-nos in the authors eyes.  They’re True Religion and they’re fabulous
  2. Pigtails.  The vast majority of the time pigtails look absolutely ridiculous on anyone old enough to vote, BUT I don’t think we should rush to saying you should never ever wear them.  What if you have a valid reason for some Princess Leia pigtail buns?  Or maybe you’re wearing pigtails at the beach all day so you’ll have beachy waves for going to da club that night?  And aha ya burnt MSN.
  3. Scrunchies.  I bet you think I’m going to side with MSN on this one, right?  WRONG.  There are many instances in which a scrunchie is perfectly acceptable.  In the bathroom washing your face, at a mud fight, going to a sweet 80s party, when you’ve finally given up and plan on slitting your wrists, all totally scrunchie friendly!
  4. Metallic liquid leggings.  Tough call, tough call.  The Grace Kelly timeless beauty in me says, “metallic liquid leggings?  You can’t be serious?”while clutching her pearls, but the non-conformist in me just typed “metallic leggings” into an eBay search.  Who will win this battle of wills in the end?  Only time will tell, but odds are, you might see me in metallic liquid leggings in the near future.
  5. Tube top.  Anyone who knows me knows I am proudly pro tube top.  Tube tops are plain old all American fun.  With that being said I am not advocating you wear a tube top everywhere with everything.  We need to handle tube tops on a case-by-case situation.  CASE-BY-CASE, and in my case I can absolutely pull off (and after a couple cocktails pull down) a tube top.  Don’t hate MSN  – it’s a bad look.

So after I mentally decimated the MSN list, I got to thinking, since none of those things deserved to be on a never wear list, what should be on the list?  Well, sorry kids.  You’re going to have to wait for next week for my list.  That’s right, this piece is a 2-parter.  And that is what we call a teaser mofos.  Until next week…….and until then maybe you should ask yourself, “Would any of these clothes be on Heather’s list?” before you leave the house. 

7 Comments

  1. Dolley Carlson May 29, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    All the way from California but originally from Southie –

    Heather, I love your column!

    Pithy, profound and fabulous!  Keep ’em coming!

     

  2. Dot May 29, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    I think caught should have an “Ask Heather” column.  If they did I would ask her what can I do about my fat wrists and if she could only help me with that I would then ask her what can I do about my grown stomach. Heather, you make me laugh. Thank you.

  3. southie girl June 5, 2012 at 11:38 pm

    please mention this to the readers next time.If your at least 30 please do not wear short shorts or shorts at all.Such not a woman look….sorry

  4. John June 9, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Heather

    Great column. What about women in their 40’s wearing capri’s?

  5. John June 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Heather

    Great column. What about women in their 40’s wearing capri’s?

  6. Heather June 15, 2012 at 10:21 pm
    Hi! I think Capri pants in general depend more on the fit and cut of the pants than the age of the person wearing them. J CREW Minnie’s are my fav pants in the whole world and I think they work for women off all ages. BUT no mom capris with pineapples or martinis or crap on them, ok?
  7. Heather June 15, 2012 at 10:24 pm
    I have been trying for a year to convince CIS to give me an advice column but I keep getting told some nonsense about liability and criminal negligence, BOGUS! As far as your wrists go, maybe grow your nails super long and curly to elongate your arm, hence making your wrists look thinner!

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