Written by Heather Foley
Well, Mother’s Day has come and gone, leaving nothing but macaroni art and dead grocery store flowers in its wake. I hope you all had a lovely Mother’s Day. I hope you all felt super loved and appreciated by your families. If even the most sincere mass-produced “World’s Best Mom” card left you feeling a little flat maybe I can help. How about a list of really crappy moms to make you feel better about your own (questionable) parenting choices? Here’s the 2nd Annual Moms That Are Worse Than You List:
Farrah Abrams. How could I not start off the list with Teen Mom alumnae? You may also know her as Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom – personally I think that’s maybe the weakest porn title ever. Vivid can do a lot better. Maybe something like Teen Moan? Far be it from me to question someone’s career choices, but really gurl? My issue isn’t so much Ms. Abrams foray into the porn world (bitches gotta eat), but all the fakeness around it. This tall tale she’s trying to sell. Are we really supposed to believe that you made a professionally done “sex tape” with a porn star for your own personal collection and “had” to sell it because it was going to be leaked? And then bringing TMZ along to pick up an EPT because you might have a bun in the oven? Stop lying to me Farrah!! You know what? Janelle Evans is still probably the worst of the Teen Mom bunch.
Stephanie Dillard. This might be my most favorite story ever (only because no one was killed or seriously hurt). Stephanie Dillard had her three kids in the car when she hit a bus – hey, it can happen to anyone. She then did what any responsible parent would do, she said, “Eff this, I’m going to get some ice cream.” She left her BLEEDING CHILDREN in the car, walked to CVS, took off all her clothes (because everyone knows ice cream tastes better nekkid) and helped herself to some ice cream like it was NBD. Like many of you, I’ve some seen whack-ass behavior at the Southie Rite Aid and CVS, but I can honestly say I’ve never seen anyone eat a Nutty Buddy naked. So kudos Ms. Dillard, I guess. Oh and she also tried to fight the cops that found her naturally.
Torina Guiterrez. Ms. Guiterrez isn’t so much a completely terrible mom as she is a really crappy multi-tasker. As moms (parents, human beings) we’ve all had to do two or three things at once and every once in a while we slip up. Torina is no different. She was making her six year old daughter’s lunch and somehow managed to spill a little angel dust in it! Hey, it could happen to anyone. When the little girl ate her sandwich at school, she said it tasted like fireworks (which is exactly how I imagine a PCP-wich would taste) and guessed right away it was probably angel dust because her mom keeps a container of it. Then to drive the point home, she drew a picture of mommy’s angel dust container. In mom’s defense, at least it was clearly labeled, right?
Jane Doe (35, from Duchesne County Utah). Authorities claim to be withholding mom’s name protect the identity of her daughter, but I think we all know this is probably Regina George’s mom. You see Ms. Doe/Mrs. George is her daughter’s bestie, so much so that she helped her thirteen year old daughter send naked pics to her thirty year old boyfriend. Ah young love. And how was she thanked for being the coolest mom ever? She’s slapped with a few felonies. WTF justice system? Isn’t it better that a tween girl is sending naked pics to her thirty year old BF with her mother’s help under her mother’s roof than taking some questionable duck-faced selfies in a random bathroom? Yeah, I thought so.
Chuntera Napier. Tattoos aren’t just for sailors anymore, they’re also for ten year old boys! Chunter Napier said what any sane adult would say when her ten year old son asked her if he could get a tattoo, “Heck yeah!” Ms. Napier defended her parenting “style” by explaining the tattoo was is in his deceased brother’s name in memorial. “It’s not like he’s asking me if I can get him a Sponge Bob,” said Napier. So is my son’s Squidward tattoo not okay?
Gillian Darmody from HBO’s Boardwalk Empire. SPOILER ALERT!!! If you haven’t watched BE but you’re planning on it you might want to skip ahead to the next mom. If you have no interest in ever watching it, well then read on. So basically Gillian was raped as a very young teen and got pregnant. Tragic and awful and something no kid should ever have to go through, obvi. But then, when her son is eighteen years old, she perpetuates the cycle of yuck and bangs him. Now this isn’t some Greek tragedy, she knew he was her son and he knew she was his mom, but they were both like “YOLO, let’s do this!” Her son Jimmy was pretty much ruined for the rest of his (SPOILER ALERT2.0) not very long life by the incident. Gillian you might be the worst mom ever. On another note, kinds makes the incestual coupling of Jaime and Cersei Lannister seem not so terrible by comparison. WTF is up with you and gross family boning HBO?
Random terrible moms at Marshalls and Target. Who are these women who let their hellion kids open up and play with toys they have no intention of buying? Seriously, you moms suck as human beings and infuriate the hell out of me. Then when my kid asks why he can’t open up a magic set and play with it too, they give me a dirty look when I say, “Because people who do that are wrong and disgusting and God hates them.” Moms please teach your offspring how to act right in public, okay? Right now you’re raising your kids to be a-holes, and it’s only going to get worse if your kid sucks at six, sorry.
Happy Mother’s Day!