How dare you, The Onion! Making fun of our city of Boston based on the size and perception of its residents living in a live-action simulation of an actual city.  As my grandfather, the great Fran Coughlin, a longshoreman of 40+ years, would respond, “I’ll give you a “Big City” right up your ass with my foot.”

Yes, as Boston residents, we realize we are not as big as New York City, as glitzy as LA, or as chic as Paris, but our little city has heart, baby.  Gritty heart and soul that is second to none.  In response to your recent post and coming to its defense, as one of the city’s biggest cheerleaders, I present 5 reasons why Boston stands up as one of the nation’s, dare I even say, the world’s best cities. (Cue Shipping up to Boston by the Dropkick Murphys.)

History

With the scrappy, rag-tag bunch of militia known as Minutemen, aka Patriots, that rallied and rose against the British back in the 1770s, we wouldn’t even have the Goddamn United States of America.  The Tea Party happened here. Taxation without Representation and taxes on tea – we’ll take your English tea and throw it right in Boston Harbor.  And we sent the Red Coats packing from the top of Dorchester Heights in South Boston thanks to General George Washington and a bunch of cannons “captured” by Henry Knox from Fort Ticonderoga – 57 cannons dragged over 300 miles in fifty-six days in the dead of winter.  Washington was presented with the first medal ever awarded by the Continental Congress. You’re welcome, rest of the United States of America.

Boston in Movies

Bank robbers from Charlestown, a lovable genius punk from Southie, a negligent drug-addicted mother whose child goes missing, and an powerhouse investigative journalist team that brings down the Archdioceses of Boston.  Just a few of the Hollywood gems, all set in Boston. Are the accents good? That’s debatable. Most likely, they are terrible to a Boston native’s ear; see our issue below. But Boston has grit and heart, and that’s why movies like The Departed and The Verdict are set in Boston.

The Accent

Love or hate it, Boston is known for its accent.  Dropping Rs and adding them where that have no right belonging? Sure, we do it.  “Say, Pahk the cah in Hahvad Yahd?” Yeah, we’ve heard your jokes and can hear your disdain when you mock it, trying to imitate it. And to all you people on Instagram and TikTok doing bogus Boston accents trying to fool people into thinking you’re actually from here? Just stop.  We get second-hand embarrassment just watching it.  Stop.  If you can’t say words like horse and shorts with a casual ease and blatant disregard for the r in both words like my father does, than don’t do it. It needs to sound effortless. Also, if you grew up here and think you don’t have a Boston accent, just try saying “Sharpie Marker,” without it sounding forced. You can’t.  We have cool colloquialisms too like tonic and spuckie. How about pocketbook for handbag, bucket for barrel, frappe for milkshake, or packie instead of liquor store?

Culture

We’ve got the USS Constitution, the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum – someone got away with stealing 13 works of art from this museum back in 1990, and it’s still an unsolved mystery. We’ve got Fenway Park, the North End, the Warren Tavern, too many sports titles to count, the Bartlett pear was cultivated here, Boston Common, the oldest public park in the United States is here and the Boston Public Garden, the first public botanical garden in America is also in Boston.  The first chocolate factory in the US was here, hello Baker Chocolate Factory. We have James Beard Award Winning Chefs like Joanne Chang, Lydia Shire, Barbara Lynch, Karen Akunowicz, Tony Messina, and James Beard Award-winning restaurants like Comfort Kitchen and Chickadee. We came up with Boston Baked Beans, and L Street Brownies which is the oldest polar bear club in the US. The Wahlbergs, New Edition, Donna Summer, Pulitzer Prize winning Playwright David Lindsay-Abaire, Suffragist Lucy Stone, artist Frederick Childe Hassam, all from Boston. We could go on and on.  We invented saving spots after a snowstorm, double parking and Bangy a U-y.  (Don’t fact check this last part.) 

The People

To know us is to love us. Sure, we don’t suffer a fool, force a smile, and will call someone out for acting like a jackass. We are often misunderstood for being rude but we sometimes are just a little standoffish when meeting outsiders. But get to know us, and we’ll do anything for you. Need a ride to the airport? We got you. A friend down on their luck? We’ll throw you a “friendship party,” aka a Time.  We are the salt of the earth – blue collar, hard working rubbing elbows with wealthy Brahmin from Back Bay and Beacon Hill. We go above and beyond. We are strong, proud and resilient.  To quote the late great Robin Williams, Academy Award winner for his roll as Sean Maguire in Good Will Hunting, during his acceptance speech, “You’re a can of corn—you’re the best!”