Who cares if the Red Sox stink?

Written by Heather Foley

I don’t follow sports all that closely, and by “all that closely” I mean at all, unless you count celebrity diving, which you shouldn’t, but even I noticed that are some serious worries about the Boston Red Sox this year.  Will they having a winning season?  Will Fenway Park be half empty?  Will they be able to force turnovers when they full court press?  Well kids as surprising as this may sound; I don’t have the answers to those questions.  While I may not know jack about the chances the Red Sox have at taking home the cup (baseball wins a cup right?  And they wear one?), but I do know that the Red Sox don’t have to be good for you to enjoy a day at Fenway Park.  You read me right, the Sox can flat out suck (hey I’m not saying they do) and you can still have a blast.

Fact, I have been to roughly 1700 Red Sox games (number embellished for effect) and I cannot tell you if they won a single one of those games.  I’m assuming they did, law of averages and all, but I dunno.  Why do we think that is?  It’s because watching a baseball game is probably the least fun thing you can do at Fenway, even during a good year.  So I really don’t get why Fenway’s sellout record is in jeopardy just because the Sox might not have a great season.  I mean astronomical ticket and food prices, teeny tiny shitty seats, gross bathrooms, skunky beer, sure those are valid reasons to watch the game on your TV, but something as insignificant as losing games, makes zero sense to this kid.

Right about now you might be thinking, “So Heather if you don’t watch the game at a baseball game, what exactly do you do?”  Um everything!  First of all, my motto is always be prepared, and Fenway can get pretty chilly, so bring some gloves, and nips, you need to bring nips.  The beer lines are ridic and I’ve heard the tap lines stay in place all year round, so um yuck.  Trust me when I say, a couple hours at the old baseball court are much more enjoyable with a little booze in your belly.

Ok now that we have our drinks (I recommend their fresh squeezed lemonade with some vodka) let’s get some grub!  I’m a simple, no frills kind of gal (she typed while lounging in her cashmere leggings) and my food preferences are no different.  I would describe my pallet as very ballpark friendly, so I’m in a little bit of heaven at a baseball game.  Instead of heading straight to your seat why not take a culinary walking tour of Fenway?  Sausage, pepper, and onions outside, then inside for Fenway franks, a big soft pretzel, and baseball helmet sundae, mmm mmm good.  Oh nachos, I forgot nachos!  I love me some processed cheese.

Speaking of not rushing right to your seat, did you know you don’t even have to sit in your seat at all?  I seriously can’t even remember the last time I sat in my designated seat.  Listen it’s not my fault, my apple bottom has a very hard time cramming into what Fenway Park tries to pass off as a seat.  So where do I go?  Right field roof deck bar, duh.  Now to sit at the tables you need a special ticket, but the bar stools are up for grabs.  So what if you can’t see the field?  Big whoop.  It’s not like they don’t have TVs, and they 10 second delay is fun because everyone starts cheering and you don’t know why yet.  Let’s be honest, sitting at a bar is roughly a thousand times better than have to get up (and make everyone in your row get up) every fifteen minutes for a beer run, or a mixer run if you’re on the nips, or a beer run if you already went through all your nips.

You’ve got a seat at the bar, but will that get boring for nine innings?  Maybe, but seeing that I’ve never made it into the park before the third inning I wouldn’t know.  One thing you can do to pass the time is play a drinking a game.  I played a really fun one once, something about putting dollar bills in a cup, runners on base, and rolling the ball to the pitcher’s mound after a third out strikeout.  Full disclosure I enjoyed this game so much I don’t really remember how it was played, so if this sounds at all familiar kindly forward me the rules.  If drinking games aren’t your thang, then just sit back and do some people watching.  There is quite an impressive cross section of people at a Sox game, like an amusement park, but not quite as impressive as the crowd at King Richard’s Faire, and no turkey legs.  Maybe you can see how many people are wearing Looney Tunes characters on their shirts?  Or keep track of how many bedazzled game jerseys you see?  And it’s not all dweebs, geeks, and weirdos at a baseball game, so be friendly.  Odds are you’re going to be sitting next to the same people for a couple hours, so you may as well try to make some friends.

So by the time you got your buzz on, stuffed your face, mocked anyone wearing a Red Sox fanny pack, and made a couple of new friends, the game is almost over, booooooo.  I wouldn’t recommend waiting until the final out of the game to make a run for it, that’s when all hell breaks loose.  Try to leave a little early.  If you’re heading home, or home-ish, you won’t be fighting bozos for a cab, and if you want to have a drink or six somewhere near the park you can actually get in someplace good like Eastern Standard instead of getting stuck at a crap hole.

Are you psyched to head to a game yet?  Well you should be!  Don’t let a mediocre (or less than mediocre) season get you down.  The baseball game is only a small part of the Fenway experience, and if nothing else two for one hot dogs in April, get some!  Oh and if anyone thinks I’m picking on the Red Sox, know that my MO is pretty similar for any sporting event.  PS junior high swim meets are ridiculously easy to sneak nips into.

*Ok yeah the Sox won their season opener against the Yankees, does not change the fact that sports-type people have been fretting about what kind of season they are going to have for months.  I have not been fretting because as you now know, I do not let a losing a game ruin my good time.  Peace.