Written by Heather Foley
Halloween is on a Friday this year, so you know what that means – PARTAY! Over the years Halloween has morphed from one night of neighborhood children begging for food to a month of grown ass adults acting like children, boozy, sloppy children. This probably sounds grouchier than I mean it, because I friggin love Halloween. I love getting dressed up, I love seeing people dressed up, I love candy, I love Halloween themed sitcom episodes, I love Thriller; I guess this makes me kind of a self-taught Halloween expert. And as a Halloween expert, I’ve got one pretty valuable skill, a skill I’m going to share with you, the skill of deciphering people’s Halloween costumes. So please read on, soak in some wisdom, and navigate the costume filled minefield of Halloween parties with ease.
Disney Princess: Oh my God, there’s a toddler at your Halloween party! Seriously anyone dressed as a Disney Princess over the age of five needs their head examined. If you want to dress like a princess just dress like Kate Middleton like a normal person. Guys, stay away from this broad unless you get off on having shelves off stuffed animals watching as you defile their mommy, sicko.
Khal Drogo and Daenerys: This couple probably isn’t all that update to date on pop culture since Khal Drogo has been dead for 18 years. Ok, fine, 3 years going by the show. Also, Daenerys is one of the lamest GoT characters, so you’ve got to question this couple’s decision making capabilities. You’d much rather hangout with the couple dressed as dueling George RR Martins, trust me.
Ray Rice: Ugh, this guy. This guy is the worst. A guy who dresses up like Ray Rice is a giant ass clown. This guy thinks he’s hilarious and edgy but he’s really just the offensive, unoriginal male version of a basic bitch. I find Ray Rice guy’s lack of creativity insulting and I refuse to be insulted at a costume party. Same goes for anyone in a Honey Boo Boo/Mama June/pedophile boyfriend costume this year.
Holly Golightly: The chick wearing a Holly Golightly costume will probably say she’s wearing it because it’s “so easy, just my little black dress” but this is a lie. She’s wearing an HG costume because she wants to wear a tiara and pearls and thinks she looks classy as eff. Don’t assume she’s an avid reader just because she’s dressed as an iconic literary character, she more than likely hasn’t read the book, or ever seen the movie. PS Isn’t funny how everyone forgets Holly Golightly was a hooker?
Jersey Shore Cast Member: You should go congratulate this person on waking up from a 5 year coma.
The Costume-less Person: The self-proclaimed rebel of the party! No one flouts the conventions of society like a guy in a button down at a costume party. He probably doesn’t even dry clean his dress pants, just washes on the delicate cycle, ladies he’s the kind of guy your parents warned you about.
Traditional Sexy Costumes: Sexy cop, fireman, beer wench, nurse, snooze. I guess I get wanting to look “sexy” (no I don’t, Halloween is the one night a year you can look like a total weirdo and/or wear pajamas to a party so I don’t know why you wouldn’t take advantage) but “sexy” store bought costumes are LAME and so is the person wearing them.
Quirky Sexy Costume: If you’re going to insist on dressing like a skank , at least be a skanky piece of pizza or a skanky shower curtain. A sexy ear of corn is probably going to pretty funny, so stay within earshot of anyone in this costume (see what I did there).
Tutu Based Costume: These Costumes are ripped straight from Pinterest (I’m convinved adult, non-ballerina tutu costumes did not exist before Pinterest), so whoever is wearing one is probably a pretty committed Pinner. They’ve got boards for cupcake recipes, leggings and riding boots heavy fashion boards, and boards planning their future wedding and baby shower. They probably enthusiastically say “I saw it on Pinterest!” at least a dozen times a conversation and have millions of crockpot recipes they can give you that they’ve never actually made. I think we all have a little Pinterest girl in us.
Freddie Mercury: This is the coolest person in the world because it’s me! And let me tell you, it takes a secure woman to wear a mustache and tight dad jeans.
Happy Halloween, Southie! And don’t be a knucklehead this weekend.