Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned in Kindergarten, Expect for What I Learned from Watching the Olympics
Written by Heather Foley
Thank God the Olympics are only come around every two years, they’re kind of killing me. I have been up until at least midnight every night watching on the edge of my seat (even though there’s a six hour time delay). I seriously don’t remember the last time I was this sleep deprived. I’m grouchy;I have bags under my eyes; and I’ve slept through my alarm every morning. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Olympics, all of it, even dressage, and I think it can teach us all some valuable lessons. And I’m not talking the same old boring work hard blah, blah, blah. There are many life lessons, and here are five of them:
- Haters gonna hate. MSN ran the headline “Phelps ruined ’12 Games with ’08 Show,” I’m sorry, but what? Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympian of all time ruined the 2012 games because he was so good in 2008? Seriously? He ruined everything by being awesome? We should all hope to ruin things in such a manner. I usually ruin things by drinking too much, crying that no one loves me and losing a shoe. Phelps 1, Foley 0.
- To the victor does not always go the spoils. Ah, Lolo Jones, you made it onto the Olympic team by the skin of your perfect teeth, but I’m willing to bet more Americans know your name than any other USA track and field athlete, including gold medal winners, and why is that? Because win or lose athletes need to market themselves, and Lolo is a master. She knows that she is her product, and she pushes her product accordingly. We can all take a lesson from Lolo, you are your own product, brand yourself, also publicly proclaim your virginity loudly and often if you want a metric ton of publicity.
- Just because someone is a world-class in their field doesn’t mean they’re a class act. Four badminton teams tossed for trying to throw matches. Is this real life? On the bright side this scandal has probably brought badminton more press (no such thing as bad press, right?) than all previous Olympics combined. See also, male basketball players punching each other in the junk, stay classy London. Lesson to be learned, don’t be an ass when you reach the top.
- Looks matter. Settle down, I’m not saying its right, but it’s life. Start typing in gold medalist Gabby Douglas’ name in Bing and hair controversy is one of the first things that pop up. You would have to be living under a rock to have missed all the press the Dutch Field Hockey Team is getting, not because they’re awesome, which they are, they won gold in 2008, but because they’re so attractive. And do we really think Ryan Lochte would get half as much press if he wasn’t so damn panty-droppingly handsome? We all have to play the game, maybe we all don’t have the cheekbones of a Dutch field hockey player or the torso of a male swimmer, but you do the best with what you’ve got, so at least fix yo-self before you leave the house, k?
- America loves a bitch. Well I do, and her name is McKayla Maroney. Is there anything better than the “McKayla is not impressed” memes? I normally think memes are pretty stupid, and I roll my eyes every time someone posts one, but I could look at these all day. I think that bitch-faced pic is so great because we all think that’s the real McKayla, right? First of all she wouldn’t hug that Russian (I think) gymnast, and then she gets on the podium like it’s a punishment, I love it! Give me someone who is an out and out bitch over a two-faced fake any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Lesson here is embrace who you are and make it work for you, let it set you apart from the crowd. I like to think I already live like this, I mean do I try to hide the fact that I’m a vapid bubble-head? Not even a little, I own it.
I’m sure there are a million more lessons to be learned from the Olympics – crap about goals and dreams, living your life with purpose, gratitude, faith, overcoming adversity, and the overall triumph of the human spirit. Hopefully we can all take a little something away from the past two weeks and use it to live our best lives, or not, either way McKayla Maroney is not impressed.