Swipe, swipe, swipe. For many who use dating apps, it seems like they are never going to find the one or that the apps don’t work. How many more “I’m looking for someone to travel the world with” and “I hope you like dogs because [insert picture of dog]…” prompts before the swiping will cease?
Well, it might be the swiper, not the swipee that is the problem.
In her own words, Michelle Wax, local dating coach, “helps people build the confidence and mindset and create the opportunity to attract in the right person and create a relationship that lasts.”
To her, dating apps are just another opportunity to meet people you wouldn’t otherwise meet. And if you go into it with a negative mindset, that is the experience you are going to have. Wax put it this way: just like in real life, there are a mix of people (on the apps). Not everyone you see when you walk into the grocery store is going to be your type or catch your eye, but there might be one down the cereal aisle that makes you linger in front of the Cheerios just a little bit longer.
Here are some of her tips to help you adjust your mindset and find what you are looking for…
Before downloading the app, be clear on what you want in a partner.
Write down a list of what you want, an honest list. Don’t filter it based on what you think you can have, but also know that everything on that last might not be met on the very first date, it may be something you’ll be able to grow into together.
Make sure you are attracting the right person.
“We don’t attract who we want, we attract who we are being.” So, go back and look at the list you made of your ideal partner and ask yourself if you are also embodying those things.
When creating your profile, create it so you are filtering out the people who wouldn’t be a good match.
Have something weird or unique about yourself that will make you stand out and attract those who are similar. Having a generic prompt answer like “loves to travel” or “loves food’ won’t do that.
Don’t choose the prompt, “don’t go out with me if…”
By doing so you are making demands of someone before you even know who they are.
Unless it’s an obvious, glaring no, go on that second date.
You never know, maybe something bad happened to the person that day and they weren’t acting like themselves. Give them a second chance and then after that, trust your gut.
Let the guy make the plan to see what his intentions are.
While us ladies today are good at taking action and initiating things, sometimes we have to sit back to get the answer we want. His plan for you two will be all-telling. Oh, and if it takes him hours to respond to your text, you are not the priority and it’s better you realize that now!
Trust the timeline of your life.
Build that trust in yourself and don’t try to predict where you are going to meet your person. It might not be at a bar or while out dancing. So, let it happen.
BUT, it’s hard to hear that it will happen when you least expect it (especially from your friends who are in relationships), so maybe in the back of your mind always expect the “what if” a little!
If you tell yourself that you will meet the love of your life in the next year, you might behave out in the world differently. You will be a little more observant of who is in the grocery store, maybe a little more excited to go out on dates. Your mindset will change.
But, if you want to throw your phone (and all the dating apps on it) into the ocean and try something new…Wax has just the thing.
With the pandemic creating so much isolation and lack of interaction, Wax wanted to create an environment to bring people together, specifically those people who were sick of the dating apps and wanted new opportunities to meet new people. And so, her Skip The First Date events were born this spring.
The name is a nod to the skipping the small talk and awkward ice breaking. Everyone is put into groups where they answer a prompt that is a little bit deeper than what do you do for work? or where are you from? The prompt might be something like, what is your dream? or without any limitations, what does your ideal world look like in the next year? Each round has a new question and at the end you can fill out on your card who you felt like you connected with, whether that be in a friendly way or a romantic way. Then, Wax will connect those who checked each other off after the session.
While she may not be a matchmaker, she certainly facilitates the mindset that these daters have (and also creates the chance for these people to meet).
Her next event is on Tuesday July 19th at Dorchester Brewing and you can get tickets on her website or Instagram bio. It’s a great way to not only potentially meet your person, but just meet more people in the Boston area in general!
So, take a pause from the dating apps, download a ride-service app and hop in a car so you can Skip The First Date!