4.7 min readBy Published On: May 13th, 2014Categories: Features1 Comment

Written by Alexandra Ryan

Tinder is a location-based social discovery app that facilitates communication between mutually interested users. It is used for dating.

Spring is upon us, summer is around the corner, and break-ups are imminent.  I figured there’s no time better than the present to introduce you to Tinder.  In short, Tinder is a dating app that is based solely on looks.  Some call it shallow, I call it simple. I met Tinder through a friend about two months ago.   Since then, we’ve broken up and gotten back together 8 times.  I love Tinder.  I hate Tinder.  It’s a vicious cycle  that goes something like this…

Sunday 7:47pm {Sunday Scaries in full force}
You’re wasting my time, Tinder.  I just spent the past 2 hours swiping left.  My thumb hurts.  All you do is distract me from everything else I should be doing.  And how could you have introduced me to that thirty nine year old alcoholic?   Did you really think that would be a good match?    

Monday 8:17am {Green Line. Standing. Sweating. Self Loathing}
I’m done.  {Deletes Tinder from phone}

Wednesday 2:00pm {Feels like Thursday 4:00pm}
This day needs to die.  I’m bored.   I hate Facebook.  I’m sick of Instagram.  I need a snack.  

Wednesday 2:10pm
I kinda miss Tinder.  He’s not so bad.  Entertaining to say the least.  All I have to do is give him an age range and he shows me pictures of guys that are nearby.  If I’m not interested, I swipe left.  If the guy is attractive, I swipe right.  It’s fun…harmless.   It is a great way to meet new people.  He couldn’t have known that Brian was sick. Alcoholism is a disease after all.  

Wednesday 2:11pm
{Go to app store.  Find Tinder.  Make up.}

Wednesday 2:22pm {Middle Stall}
{Swipe, swipe, swipe}  He’s cute…6-3…that’s a plus….swiping right.  Swipe, judge, swipe, judge…this guy needs to lose all the pics of him and his dog.  Swipe, swipe, swipe…he’s cute…looks normal…swiping right.

Wednesday 9:30pm {From bed}
{Swipe, judge, swipe, judge, swipe, swipe…pause…}  Is that what’s her names husband?  We have 10 mutual Facebook friends.  Yup.  That’s definitely her husband.  Hmmm…I’m sure he has a perfectly good explanation for this.  Or not.  Should I say something? No. Swiping left.  
 

Thursday 7:24am
{Swipe, judge, swipe, judge, swipe, judge, swipe….pause…} Should I be embarrassed that I’m trolling Tinder at 7:00am on a workday?

Thursday 1:45pm
Time to switch up my profile.  Narrowing distance from 40 miles to 3 miles.  I don’t need to date anyone in Matapoisett.  My friend Justin told me to lose the pic of me and the cat.  On the other hand, John told me it’s a winner.  I’ll listen to John. Justin’s married with three kids and hasn’t been out since the 90’s.  How do I avoid looking like a crazy cat lady though?  Tag line:  I don’t know the cat.  Stray in Costa Rica.  We had a moment.  Done.  

?Thursday 8:00pm
Swipe, judge, swipe, judge, swipe…he’s cute… great hair…swiping right.  Swipe, judge, swipe…why does this guy have a profile pic with 3 other guys in it…too confusing. Swipe left.  

Friday 6:30pm {my apartment with my two bestest friends}
Me:  Check out this guy I matched with on Tinder.  I’m supposed to meet him for a drink on Wednesday.  I don’t know if I have the energy. He sent me his number and we’ve been texting.  He seems nice.  
{passes phone to Greta}
G: He’s cute…but he has a car selfie…I hate that.  {passes phone to Abby}
A:  Let me see.  Wait.  I feel like I know this guy.  Wait.  I’m pretty sure I made out with this guy.  
Me:  Stop it!  
A:  Ya. This is him.  Definitely made out with him after a concert…about 5 years ago.  .
{Laughter.  Lots of Laughter}

Saturday 12:00pm {Laying on couch}
Swipe, judge, swipe, judge…I need to go to the gym.  Swipe, swipe, swipe.   This is ridiculous…I’m wasting so much time with you Tinder.  I have this guy’s number.  I don’t need you anymore..  {Deletes Tinder}

Saturday 10:17pm
{Downloads Tinder}.  

Sunday 9:00pm {Sunday Scaries in full force}
Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe.  This is useless.  

Monday 8:17am {Green Line. Standing. Sweating. Self Loathing}
I’m done.  {Deletes Tinder from phone}

I know.  It’s sick. Tinder is like the bad boy in high school that you can’t stay away from.  Deep down, you know he’s terrible for you, but maaaayyyyybeeeee it will work out one of these times.  As of now, I don’t have Tinder on my phone.  I can’t say whether I’m done for good or just taking a break.  Oh, and  I did end up going out with that guy and we had a really great laugh about him making out with my friend 5 years ago.  If you’re thinking about downloading Tinder, just do it.  Why not.  What do you have to lose.  If you’re single and you know it clap your hands.  
 

Alexandra Ryan  – stylist.  writer.  comedian. 

One Comment

  1. Kay July 18, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    Pretty much exactly what I’m going through. Been off Tinder for a day, and I’m experiencing withdrawal symptoms. This is sick.

    …I’ll probably download it again before next month. I hate myself, but I can’t resist.

    By the way, that was a hilarious and awesome piece.

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