Just Russia Being Russia
written by Heather Foley
First of all, let me start off by saying that I love the Olympics. I love the pageantry of the opening and closing ceremonies. I love the melodramatic mini documentaries on athletes, the falls, the near falls, the joy of sticking a landing, the drama of years of hard work coming down to seconds and inches. OH MY GOD I LOVE IT ALL! Ok, so now that you know I’m coming from a place of love, can I just say I’m hella worried about the Sochi Olympics? The writing has been on the wall for a while now, we all knew Sochi was going to be a shit show, but did any of us know it was going to be this big of a shit show? If the Sochi Olympics was one of your friends it would be your friend who cannot get their shit together and does stuff like put their foot through the dressing room wall when trying on skinny jeans, it would be your Heather Foley. The 2014 Winter Olympics has been a calamity of errors since day one. It’s many issues have been well documented, but lets go over them again, shall we:
The little torch that couldn’t. The simple fact that the torch went out multiple times, including once in Red Square, should have been a huge red flag. I know less than nothing about Olympic planning, but I have to assume the torch’s flame is the absolute simplest part of the project and Russia had to rely on a Zippo. If you can’t keep a giant torch lit can you really expect to feed and house thousands of people from all over the world? Short answer, no.
That pesky homophobia thing. I can’t help but find it a little ironic that the world’s most homoerotic leader is such a raging homophobe. You’d think a guy who was photographed shirtless so often would be a little more tolerant. Regardless of any of the Russian leaders’ feelings on same sex relations, did these jokers really think they could pull off a gay propaganda free Olympics? Have they ever seen figure skating? If that’s not gay propaganda I don’t know what is. And don’t get me started on the two man luge, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Who let the dogs out (I’m so sorry but I had to). Ok, let me say that the systematic killing of stray dogs is truly awful and it happens everywhere, PETA I’m looking at you (seriously, if you don’t know what I’m talking about google it). But the fact that Russia A) waited until the week of the games to round up and dispose of strays when literally every eye in the world is on them, and B) will just openly kill dogs like its NBD shows how truly bananas the Russians are. No effs are given. Most countries would be on their best behavior this week, but Russia is basically like, “Come at me, bro”.
Just give them five more minutes. Sochi is a lot like me on a Friday night, so close to being ready, I just need like five more minutes. Three of nine hotels weren’t ready when reporters started showing up last week, and those that were allegedly ready had yellow water, weird bathrooms, half finished rooms, teeny tiny beds, and missing door knobs. The hotels aren’t the only things that aren’t quite good to go, there’s wet cement, muddy half finished landscaping, and spray painted grass throughout Olympic Park. Did they forget to set a reminder that they were hosting the Olympics?
With a side of terrorism. Hotel horrors and stray dogs aside, there’s the real scary threat of terrorism hanging over the games. It’s been reported that in addition to basically being next door neighbors with hot beds of terrorist activity, there may be as many as four vengeful terrorist widows in Sochi plotting attacks. And let’s not forget the warnings of explosive toothpaste. No jokes here guys, this is scary stuff and I’m legit worried about seeing a deadly explosion in prime time. Let’s all say a little prayer for everyone in Sochi’s safety.
Random odds and ends. There’s other miscellaneous nonsense too: like being billions over budget, people using hotel wifi getting hacked, a closed ski course, Bob Costas’ pink eye; there’s not a whole heck of a lot going right in Sochi, well except for the banning of Chobani Greek yogurt, that stuff is gross. Oh and if I could give one piece of advice to the athletes it would be don’t trust the condoms in the Olympic Village. Absolutely nothing in Sochi is to be trusted, those rubbers are probably really dog skin (again, sorry).
PS: Did you know you can follow me on Twitter at @HotelFoxtrot? I plan on doing a decent amount of Olympic live tweeting, so give me a follow if you like kind of funny jokes, for a girl obviously.
With White Russian in hand, I raise my glass to the 2014 Winter Olympic games! USA! USA!