I don’t know if you’re as up on food related current events as I am, but if you are you’re probably all fired up about the recent Ben & Jerry’s controversy. For those of you not in the know, my boys Ben and Jerry are getting heat about two ice cream flavors, Hubby Hubby and Schweddy Balls. Hubby Hubby is actually the classic Chubby Hubby but renamed in support of marriage equality and obviously Schweddy Balls is named after my boyfriend Alec Baldwin’s classic SNL skit, and um what took you so long Ben or Jerry? So the ‘controversy’ is that some groups like Americans with Sticks up Their Asses or something like that think Hubby Hubby is advancing the gay agenda and for some reason Schweddy Balls is in incredibly poor taste. I don’t want to get on my soapbox, but personally I think if you’re biggest gripe is the names of ice cream flavors you probably need to get a life, and if you don’t want your kids to have a mouth full of Schweddy Balls, just don’t buy it.
So where am I going with this? Well when you’re a hard-hitting journalist like me, you have sources, and I happen to have a source inside Ben & Jerry’s who gave me some inside scoop (scoop, get it? I love comedy). So Hubby Hubby and Schweddy Balls were just the beginning of new and exciting flavors. Before people started to cause a big stink, Ben and Jerry had plans to release multiple themed batches of ice cream and one of the batches were going to have a Southie theme! Because I go after the story hard, I got my hands on a few of the Southie ice cream names that didn’t make the cut, and here they are:
And They Call It Yuppie Love: Tahitian vanilla bean ice cream infused with Madagascar vanilla, Belgium chocolate truffles, edible gold leaf…..is it a little too fancy?
Love That Dirty Water, aka Boston Harbor In the 1980’s: Mississippi mud ice cream with Doritos crumbs and gummy syringes. Yum!
Carson Peach: Refreshingly peachy and so tasty you’ll want to organize a ginormous brawl and flee via the Red Line.
Fugitive On The Rum: Rum Raisin ice cream hidden under a disguise of whip cream also known as Charles Gasko Delight – can only be purchased in the Santa Monica area.
How Do Ya Like Them Apples: Sweet cream ice cream with apple cinnamon swirls, the ice cream was never actually finished because its creator had to go see about a girl.
Southie Serious Salted Caramel: Salted caramel ice cream with a coupon for $1 off a pack of Mach 3 razors (redeemable only at your local bar).
M Street Beach: Vanilla frozen yogurt blended with berry wine cooler and Bud Light Lime served in a red plastic Solo cup.
Caught In Southie In Your Mouthie: Sully’s soft-serve ice cream, covered in a triple decker layer of chocolate, Argus’ bakery coffee cake crumbles, swirls of PS Gourmet Snickerdoodle coffee, and sprinkled with nuts. Served in a cone (you can save your spot with).
So now production on all these awesome flavors has been halted until further notice – booooooo! Thanks a lot ‘morality’ watch groups! I really love salted caramel ice cream and really really need to shave my legs, I guess both will have to wait.