Written by Heather Foley
Things You Should Worry About Before You Get Your Panties In A Twist Over Rainbow Umbrellas
The annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade has come and gone. Two LGTB groups marched without incident, and I assumed the parade had officially ushered in a new era of inclusion. From what I heard (I didn’t go to the parade because I would rather eat my own eye) both groups were greeted warmly, and God didn’t send a swarm of locusts so I guess he was cool with it. Sounds great, right? Ha-ha, of course not! Many of you may have read that Boston Pride was only allowed to march because the brain-trust in charge of approving groups had no idea they were an LGBT organization and doesn’t believe in googling the names of groups that want to march. Another local website (I was going to link the story but quite frankly I didn’t want to gift them with the clicks) posted a piece about the low down dirty dealings of said group (aka they had the nerve to carry rainbow umbrellas and not sign their application with “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it”). Won’t somebody think of the children?
Listen, even if you’re not onboard with the whole civil rights thing, you have to admit that rainbow umbrellas should rank pretty low on the list of things people are concerned about. This is ridiculous. This is nothing that deserves outrage or scorn, this is a few god damn rainbow umbrellas in a god damn parade. There are plenty of other things to get worked up over, here are a few of them in case you need help figuring it out. Also if you’re not on board with civil rights and equality and basic human decency thing, you really need to take some time and examine your life because you’re doing it wrong. Anyhoo, here’s the stuff we should be upset about:
- The snow has mostly melted and there is literally dog poop everywhere. You can’t take 5 steps without having to step over dog poo.
- We can’t park at bus stops but buses don’t even pull into the stops, what’s up with that?
- To quote Debbie Downer, “They never did find that anthrax guy.”
- The city is ticketing cars facing the wrong way on temporary one-way streets. The city doesn’t care that some of these cars are facing the wrong way because there are still Titanic sized icebergs on every block. The city also apparently doesn’t care about non-resident cars parking on the street for days at a time. This is infuriating and much more offensive than a couple rainbow umbrellas.
- The misappropriation of Irish culture to sell tacky green crap and push an ugly stereotype.
- The parade has turned into an excuse for out of town goons to drink more than they can handle, pee in people’s driveways, and maybe shift your opinion on forced sterilization. I’ll take rainbow umbrellas over some smashed fool with his fly down and dried up puke on his shirt all day every day.
- The Game of Thrones TV show left out a character from the books that I thought held the key to saving Westeros and now it’s obvious he doesn’t figure into the story at all and I have to rewrite my fan fiction. Ok that one’s just me but whatever.
- Sullivan’s doesn’t have a VIP line.
As a community, we have some tough issues to face. High rents and mortgages forcing people out, skyrocketing addiction rates and the increase in crime that follows, closings of churches, schools, and community programs, but nowhere on the list of issues is roving bands of umbrella wielding homosexuals. Let’s save our energy for the stuff we really should be outraged about, ok guys? And besides, I think we can all admit it doesn’t get any gayer than a parade anyway.
To read more about Umbrellagate – visit: https://caughtinsouthie.com/feature/gay-umbrellas-not-his-watch