Written by Heather Foley (orignially published Halloween of 2011)
Have I mentioned I love Halloween? Well, not specifically Halloween, but dressing up. I absolutely love wearing a costume. Seriously, I enjoy it way too much. Whether it’s Halloween or a theme party it just doesn’t matter – I’m a big fan of anything that allows me to dress up and I’ve never met a theme I didn’t like. But here’s what I don’t like about dressing up, laziness! Go big or go home, I hate half-assed costumes and I think for ladies there is no bigger half-ass copout than dressing up as a ‘sexy fill-in-the-blank’.
Now for the record, I’m not against slutting it up at all – anyone who knows me will confirm I’m not scared of a questionable hemline and I can often be heard saying ‘if it ain’t tight it ain’t right’, but put a little thought into your sexy costumes girls! Sexy nurse, sexy stewardess, sexy schoolgirl, BORING! Give me a break, you’re better than that homegirl! So now you’re probably asking, ‘Heather what other slutty costumes are out there that aren’t total cliches?’ So glad you asked! I’ve compiled a little list of sexy costumes that are totally unique, read on!
Sexy garbage Man:
Take your high-heeled Timberlands out of storage! This is an easy one to replicate at home. Cut up some coveralls, undo a button or two, throw on some gloves, smear a little dirt on your forehead and grab a Rubbermaid trash barrel and you’re done! I’m predicting sexy garbage man will be the new sexy nurse.
Sexy Dexter Victim:
Who doesn’t love sex and violence (don’t you dare judge me). Naked + plastic wrap = holy moly. And you really don’t even have to be naked, beige boy shorts and tank will give the illusion of nudity. Just be warned, depending on your physique someone might think you’re Kathy Bates in ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’.
Sexy Sullivan’s Worker:
Is that a hotdog in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Everyone loves Sully’s, so everyone will love a sexy Sully’s costume. A teeny tiny green polo or t-shirt, a box of fries and you’re done.
Sexy Cantaloupe Listeria Victim:
Topical costumes are always huge, and we all know there will be a million unoriginal dead Amy Winehouses and Steve Jobs out and about for Halloween, but I’m willing to bet if you head out in zombie-ish makeup and a cantaloupe no one else will have the same costume as you……unless they read this too.
Sexy Dog Walker:
Grab a couple of stuffed mutts, shorty shorts, a few bags of poo and you’re good to go. They say every pot has a lid so maybe you’ll find someone into bags of poo and get lucky. If you really don’t feel like carrying bags of poo, carry around bags of fudge and watch people’s reactions when you open up a bag and eat some.
Sexy Water and Sewer Employee:
I once heard on the Today show that orange is the most universally flattering color, so grab a fluorescent orange shirt, cut it so it barely covers your boob and you’re done. Bring a couple of orange cones with you if you want to go the extra mile. You can save them after Halloween to save your spot this winter.
Sexy Bill Cosby:
Head to Marashalls and grab the craziest most colorful XXL mens sweater you can find, and pudding pop and shoes and you’re an American icon! Bonus points if you do a little Cosby-like dance or do a terrible Bill Cosby impression.
Sexy Red Sox Player:
Grab a Beckett shirt, skintight white pants, a bucket of fried chicken and a six-pack. Cut the hell out of the shirt (it needs to be sexy ladies); walk around with an overall air of distraction. Maybe even pull a muscle or something during the evening.
Now I bet everyone reading this is thinking ‘I wonder which one of these amazing costumes Heather is going to choose for Halloween?’, the answer, none of them! Think about it people, would I really let the whole interweb know what my costume is so everyone can copy me? Of course not! When I go to all the fancy parties I’m invited to (translation, my couch), I don’t want to see any of you fools in the same costume as me!
Happy Halloween everyone, stay sexy!
More Halloween sexiness from Heather: https://caughtinsouthie.com/feature/last-minute-sexiness