written by Heather Foley
We’re in the homestretch guys, just a couple days till the blessed dawn of Christmas! Just a few days till we’re (hopefully) surrounded by loved ones celebrating the reason for the season, opening presents, sucking on candy canes, slurping down egg nog-tinis, and perhaps more importantly, just a few days more I have to look at your stupid Elf on the Shelf Facebook posts. Yeah, I said it. Listen up Elf on the Shelf people, no one gives a flying fook about your Elf, sorry not sorry. Now I’m sure my anti-Elf on the Shelf stance was met with a mix of reactions, which I will go into below.
Hallelujah! I am so sick of that creepy little Elf monopolizing my Facebook feed. This is obviously the correct reaction, so give yourself a gold star if this is what you’re thinking.
I know right? I’m so spazzy I never even remember to move my Elf! Yeah we know, you post every night at 11pm that you’re in bed and forgot to move the Elf, LOL! PS no one is laughing out loud.
No one is sick of my Elf pics, they’re so creative! We know, we know. We see right through your nightly backdoor brags about how you quickly threw together a working diorama of the North Pole, how the magnet rigged Elf skating rink almost didn’t work, and how you almost burnt your free trade artisanal chocolate chip cookies while whittling a sled for your Elf. We get it, you’re better than everyone.
But my pics are so funny! Yes, Elf on the Shelf and GI Joe Eiffel Towering Barbie was almost mildly amusing, the first time we saw it four years ago, but let’s be real, prop comedy may be the lowest rung on the comedy ladder ( um hello, Carrot Top).
So yeah, everyone is sick of your Elf and would like you to just keep that crap on Pinterest where it belongs. Now just to clarify, I am not a Scrooge or Grinch. Lovable curmudgeon maybe (definitely) but I’m not a bah humbug type of gal. It’s been well documented that I love most things Christmas. Your Elf on the Shelf is just obnoxious, and so is your ugly Christmas sweater.