Written by Heather Foley
Have you bought all your Christmas presents yet? Me neither, but I’m not worried about it, I work best under pressure. And for the most part I actually enjoy buying people presents. Of course, like I’m sure everyone else, I have to pick up a few gifts for people I’m not super fond of, and that just grinds my gears. So I got to thinking, how can I fulfill my gift-buying obligation and tell someone to eff off at the same time? The answer, it’s time to get a little passive aggressive. It’s Christmas, so you can’t really tell anyone to go to hell, but you can give them a gift that plays on their crippling self-doubt. (Everyone has crippling self doubt, it’s not just me, right?)
Paging Dr. Phil
Is there any better way to let someone know you think they’re a hot mess than a bundle of books from Dr. Phil? Probably not. And the beauty about the good doctor is that he loves to write about all kinds of stuff you’re doing wrong, weight, love, kids, pretty much life in general. Giving someone a Dr. Phil gift basket is like making them a sign that says “Life, you’re doing it wrong”.
Ronco Hair In a Can
What to get that vain prick or fresh to death meathead in your life? How about some hair in a can? This works even better if they have zero hair loss or thinning. You’re basically ensuring this special guy will spend hours a day checking his head from all angles, and maybe the stress will actually cause his hair to fall out. It’s a win/win.
God bless Spanx, am I right ladies? Though most females probably have some shapewear in their arsenal, no one, I repeat no one wants to get it as a gift. Whatever the size or sex, if you give shapewear as a gift you’re saying, “I think you’re fat, and I want to help” or “Remember that dress you wore? Well, you looked like 10 lbs of sugar in a 5 lb sack”.
Not sure how to tell someone “I think you’re a lazy ass”? How about a case of 5 Hour Energy?
Hair Removal Products
There is not a female in the world who at some point or another walked past a mirror, caught a passing glimpse of themselves and thought “Oh God, shadow or sideburn?” The second she opens up your gift of Nads Hair Remover (or similar) she’ll think “Noooooo it was a sideburn.” I’m guessing then she’ll then wonder how long she’s had mutton chops and why no one told her.
Ok fitness equipment is a great gift for exercise enthusiasts, but for someone who doesn’t work out it’s a whole different kettle of fish. Yoga mat, dumbbells, kettle bell, exercise bands, if you give this kind of stuff to someone who hasn’t done squat (or squats) since the heyday of Jazzercise, it’s the equivalent of saying “You’ve put on weight, get it together.”
Now these are just a few examples, your mind might be turning and maybe you’ll think up the perfect passive aggressive gift to give that special someone in your life who annoys the heck out of you. Remember, the key to giving a passive aggressive gift is to give it with a slight condescending air, you need to express that whatever it is they are doing, they are doing it wrong and you know how to do it right. And if you’re stuck for a passive aggressive gift may I suggest any of the “For Dummies” books? I myself got three copies of “Writing for Dummies” last Christmas, maybe I’ll read them in 2013.