3.8 min readBy Published On: May 8th, 2013Categories: Features0 Comments on Jaromir Jagr is not old

Written by Heather Foley

“Thirty is the new forty,” is something us old folks like to say.  With that kind of reasoning Jaromir Jagr is a spry 31, which is still a few years older than the average NHL player.  You see, number 68 is 41 years old and was drafted way back in 1990 – yikes!  Not that being 40+ makes a person obsolete.  Who cares if Jagr is a little long in tooth?  He had a great Game 3 (at least according to the google machine when I asked it) and hopefully that will put an end to all the “But he’s like sooooo old” hub-bub.  Just for the record, I am not the same age as Jaromir, I’m younger.  You got that?  YOUNGER.  But even as someone who is younger, I still find it a little scary that a couple of his teammates weren’t even born yet when he was drafted (ah-hem I’m looking at you Dougie and Tyler).  So just to put things in perspective, I decided to compile a little list of things that are older than Jaromir Jagr’s NHL career.

Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and even little Maggie Simpson are all older than Jaromir Jagr’s NHL career.  So I guess people have been saying, “Doh!” for quite a while now.  Despite being around for over 20 years, The Simpson’s are still a pop culture presence, so why can’t Jagr still be a presence on the ice?  I’m confident he can, and he will (JK, I don’t follow hockey, he could have a peg leg for all I know).

Who remembers Teddy Ruxpin?  Well I do, vividly, probably because I was terrified of him.  I begged and pleaded for him, and then on Christmas morning when he opened his eyes and started to read me a story I crapped my pants and started to cry.  Who thought up this little guy?  He was awful.  I would have been less scared snuggling the Chucky doll.  Well maybe not, did you know I have a debilitating fear of dolls with moveable eyelids?  Anyhoo, Teddy Ruxpin came out before Jaromir Jagr was drafted.

It’s hard to believe The Golden Girls came out way back in 1985! The humor is still sharp, it’s themes progressive, and it’s still a contender for one of the raciest shows on television.  Well basic cable at least, it’s never going to beat Game Of Thrones or Girls boob count.  If a show about four post-menopausal women can be relevant after 25+ years why can’t a Czech hockey player?  Also everyone who bet me I couldn’t work The Golden Girls into a hockey blog, pay up.

It’s probably a little easier to believe Saved By The Bell came out before Jagr getting drafted than The Golden Girls.  The plots, characters, jokes, and especially the wardrobe are all super dated, although if anyone could give Jaromir a run for his mullet money it’s AC Slater.

Fess up, who says “sponge-worthy”?  I know I do, mostly when I talk about my imaginary boyfriends.  The Today Sponge was introduced in the US in 1983, making it older than Jaromir Jagr’s NHL career and the same age my brother, fun!  I have to be honest, I know NOTHING about The Today Sponge, other than what Elaine Benes taught me, which was that apparently it can make dudes trim their sideburns and clean up their bathrooms.

Me, me, me.   I am older than Jaromir Jagr’s NHL career, but I cannot stress this enough, I AM NOT OLDER THAN JAROMIR JAGR, or even the same age as him.  I’m YOUNGER, younger damn it!  Let’s all remember that, OK?

How about for funsies we throw in one that’s actually older than Jaromir?  I give you the floppy disk.  The floppy disk became commercially available in 1971, making it older than Jaromir Jagr by a measly year.  Not sure what a floppy disk is?  Well then you’re too young, you probably never played Oregon Trail, and I probably hate you.

Jaromir, if you’re reading this fret not, I don’t think you’re old, but then again Blanche Devereaux looks younger and younger to me every day.  You may feel every bit your age and then some with all those young whippersnappers on your team, but lucky for you Ihave a surefire way to feel like a spring chicken – just head to The Cathay Pacific for a couple of Suffering Bastards.  You’re welcome.