Seriously, it feels like I have been waiting for this day for months!
And the fact that this is going down on my birthday weekend only makes it even more exciting. Of course I’m talking about the Jason Wu collection for Target, duh. Apparently this isn’t the only event going on this weekend. Isn’t there some sporting event called the Super Bowl (spelling?) happening too?
Even if you don’t like football, you’re probably feeling some serious peer pressure to go watch the game somewhere, Whether it’s at a friends house or a bar, people want you out for the Super Bowl. I know, people have been trying to get me to commit to plans for month (#popular girl problems). If you’re not as smart as me, you probably can’t fake knowing what you’re talking about when it comes to football. And if you’re not as cute as me, people will probably call you on it. So what should you do? Stay in? Spend the next two days reading “Football for Dummies”? Lie and say you’re going to Vegas to watch the Super Bowl at the Star Dust with your boyfriend, astronaut Mike Dexter? No silly! You can still go out and watch the Super Bowl without knowing jack squat about football – all because you have me to give you a cheat sheet about what to talk about.
My first recommendation is to not actually talk about football at all. There’s a lot going on on the field, it’s more complicated than just a bunch of guys in tight pants running around. If you honestly don’t know the first thing about football, it’s in everyone’s best interest if you avoid talking about it all together. You don’t want to look like a dope when you say, “The Pats have had trouble with the power play all season”, so refrain from even trying. And besides, everyone is going to be talking about football, you automatically set yourself apart from the crowd if you refuse to talk pig skin.
So what can you talk about? How about the enigma that is Tom Brady? Have you ever seen someone who can look so different in pictures? Is he in fact a two face? Does the NFL have a Sears Portrait Studios do their team pictures? Look at the pic the NFL plasters on the screen. Now look at his pics for UGGs. How can this be the same person? And while we’re on the topic of Tom Brady, it has been said anywhere and everywhere that most men in New England have a nonsexual crush on Tom Brady, but is it really nonsexual? I’m willing to bet it’s not.
The halftime show! Is it just me or is Madonna absolutely terrifying? She’s so vascular, and her arms – Holy Moly! They make me feel insecure about my puny biceps. Did anyone see her joking and salsa dancing at her press conference? Who is this person? Are we sure it’s the same woman who was ready to scalp someone over hydrangeas? I don’t know if I’m buying the “Hey America, I’m fun” Madonna. Also performing M.I.A. and Nicki Manaj? Do football-loving guys want to see these broads? I’m not asking to be fresh, I honestly want to know. Am I the only person who has grown tired of Manaj’s whole Candy Land gone crazy act? Or maybe I’m secretly jealous because I can’t dress like Grandma Nut when I go to work? Yeah, that’s probably it. We all know that when a girl says she doesn’t like someone she is not so secretly very, very jealous.
Make up a drinking game! This is always a good idea. Always. You can make something up like drink every time you hear some drunk girl yell “Wooooooo!” Drink twice if it’s me.
I know I brought it up earlier, but Jason Wu! I’m sure everyone you’re going to be spending the Super Bowl with spent the day at Target fighting over Jason Wu gear (and if they didn’t why are you even friends with them?) So why don’t you all discuss what you bought? And if there is a lame-o who missed it you can make fun of them. And nothing is more fun than making fun of people. Oh and if you do make up a drinking game, don’t drink every time you hear me yell :Wu”, just ” Wooooooo,” Okay? That is unless you want to get really blitzed.
Alright, I led you little ponies to water, but I can’t make you drink. I personally don’t see anyway you can’t have fun watching the big game if you follow my sage advice. Even if you have little to no football knowledge, or social skills. And maybe drink a couple cocktails before the game. I recommend the Blue Almond Martini – it’s a personal favorite of mine and the proprietor of this fine website!