Heather is JOOSing

Written by Heather Foley

My lululemon shopping bag told me to do one thing every day that scares me.  To me this seems kind of aggressive, and though I may take some advice from this bag, I’m not about to let a shopping bag run my life (again).  So instead I decided to do something every once and a while that scares me.  Luckily everything scares me, so I have plenty to keep me busy.  This little blog is the thing on my list that may have scared me the most, – a 7 day juice cleanse by JOOS.
 
You’re probably thinking a juice cleanse doesn’t sound all that scary, it’s just drinking juice, not climbing Mount Everest.  So let me give you a little background, I like meat.  Seriously, I am a carnivorous cave woman.  And of all the meats I love red meat the most.  I would pick up a T-bone steak and eat it with my hands if it was socially acceptable, and I would eat red meat six meals a day, every day if I wasn’t mildly concerned about my heart exploding.  So the very thought of shunning meat had me shaking in my open toe booties.
 
Before I start the cleanse, I talk to the owner Lauri and we go over my basic info; diet habits, lifestyle, workouts, previous cleanse experience, etc.  I don’t hesitate to bring up my fondness for red meat.  She tells me that she’s had a ton of people tell her the same thing and they end up totally forgetting they ever liked cheeseburgers while cleansing.  What I immediately like about the cleanse is that I do get to eat some actual food, vegan and gluten free, but still real food (as a person with lives and breathes her food scale I’m not psyched that I don’t get portion sizes, but that’s a pretty minor issue).
 
So day one, you know what the hardest part about the JOOS cleanse?  Picking the damn juice up.  Doesn’t sound hard at all, right?  Oh did I forget to mention you pick the juice up at Broadway’s Best Pizza.  Yes, you read that right, while you’re picking up beet and bok choy juice everyone else in there is chowing down on pizza and subs.  I was even told I smelled like Broadway’s Best when I jumped in my friend’s car with 4 days’ worth of juice.  I think it’s a genius test.  If you can’t handle picking up your JOOS in pizza joint, you’re not ready for it.  You’re not committed enough and you’re going to cave, come back when you grow some willpower.  Also, quick tip about day one, I was hung over as hell.  The day probably would have went a lot smoother if I didn’t want to die as soon as I woke up.
 
You know me, I don’t lie, I don’t pull punches, I tell it like it is, and day two was hard as a mo-fo.  No joke kids, I wanted to crawl under the covers and never come out on day two.  As I was wallowing I remembered the wise words of Elle Woods, “Exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy,” (and happy people don’t kill their husbands, but that’s a blog for another day) and I decided to drag my miserable ass to the gym.  Guess what?  I was just as miserable there!  My legs felt like stone, I was moving like I was stuck in molasses, and over all I had a terrible attitude (ever worse than my usual bad attitude).  Oh and even my vision must have been off because that night I spoke at length about I didn’t think Chris Evans looked good in Captain America.  Who am I?
 
Day three was much better, felt like myself again, but day four I felt like I was on speed.  And I mean that in a good way.  I had a ton of energy (borderline bouncing off the walls) and I  killed my workouts.  Day four was by far my favorite day.  Days five, six, and seven were uneventful.  I felt fine –  wasn’t hungry or sluggish, but none of them had the energy of day four (and that’s probably a good thing – who knows what would have gone down if I felt like I was on speed for four days, probably nothing good.)
 
Now the cold hard facts.  Two juices a day plus a vegan lunch and some vegan snacks.  How do I describe the juices?  Earthy maybe?  Did I enjoy drinking them?  No, but I was able to get them down without any problems.  I did like chewing on the chia seeds in some of them though.  Gluten free, caffeine free vegan diet.  I had about a three coffee a day habit, so I was pretty worried about zero coffees a day but I honestly didn’t even miss it, at all.  Instead I was having hot water with lemon in the morning and weeks later I still am.  I might have a cup of coffee during the day, and not even every day.  I’m pretty sure I wasn’t getting enough protein during the cleanse.  I work hard to put muscle on, and you need protein to keep that muscle (this probably isn’t even a concern for a lot of women but it was my number one concern about cleansing).  The good people at JOOS suggested I get my protein from tofu (bleck) and nuts but I really didn’t want the fat that came along with eating so many nuts (I know its good fat, but still).
 
When I told most people about the cleanse their first questions were about weight loss and I cannot state this enough DON’T DO A CLEANSE TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!  It’s not about losing weight – it’s about getting all the crap out of your system and getting your body back to ground zero.  With that being said, I did lose some weight, but some of it may have been muscle, and some of its not ‘real weight loss’.  I put a couple pounds back on when I was done and I eat well.  If you have a lot of weight to lose, you might lose a lot of weight in seven days, however you will gain some back right away and if you go right back to eating crap you will gain it all back (and then some).  If you are looking to lose weight, the cleanse might be a great way to quit all your bad habits cold turkey and jumpstart a healthy lifestyle. (Disclaimer: I have absolutely no nutritional or health training so everything I say should be taken with a grain of salt, oh and cut that crap out of your diet while at it).  I do have to say my stomach looked fantastic when I finished cleansing, so I have that going for me.
 
I give JOOS two thumbs up.  It’s hard but doable and not nearly as tough as I thought it would be.  I don’t have any immediate plans to cleanse again, but I totally would (although I have to conquer tofu first).  I am still a cavewoman, I couldn’t wait to have a rib eye when I was done.  I didn’t stop craving meat and I’m pretty sure I never will.  I mean it’s not meth, right?  If red meat is my biggest vice I think I’m doing pretty ok.  And I have to come clean, one of the first things I did when I finished the cleanse was get a Pizza from Broadways Best, and it was spectacular.  Happy cleansing everyone!