5.9 min readBy Published On: February 14th, 2013Categories: Features0 Comments

By Heather Foley

It’s Valentine’s Day and for some of you love is in the air, for the rest of us loneliness, desperation, and the overwhelming urge to hurl yourself off the roof is in the air.  It feels like we got through having to “celebrate” the holidays alone, and BAM, here comes Valentine’s Day to finish the job (if you’re as lucky as me you also spent a birthday alone in there, yay for 2013).  My fellow singletons, you know how when you contemplate taking a bath with a toaster and your annoying but well-meaning friend tries to tell you you’re better off alone than in a crappy relationship?  Well after you debate throwing the toaster at your friend and you really think about it, your friend is right.  Sometimes a relationship is so crappy you’re better off leaning into spinsterhood (or the male equivalent) with a herd of cats than wasting your time.  So no matter how lonely you are, at least you aren’t one of these sad sacks.

Valerie Spruill.  Valerie Spruill was raised by her grandparents and was told her bio mom was just a family friend, a family friend who happened to be a lady of the night, but a family friend nonetheless.  She grew up to marry her biological dad of course.  An uncle told her the icky family secret after her daddy-husband passed away.  Perhaps the most unsettling thing about the whole story isn’t that she unknowingly married her dad, but that she admits throughout their relationship there were always rumors he was her father.  Yup, you read that right.  I’d like to think if I heard a rumor my new beau was my father I’d do a little investigating.  I mean it;s one thing if people are whispering your new man is a player; it’s another thing if they’re whispering his sperm was an integral part of your conception.  I guess it’s true what they say; all the good men are either gay, taken, or your secret biological dad.

Lisa Nowak.  If this name doesn’t ring a bell I’ll give you a two-word hint, astronaut, Depends.  Now you remember!  And seriously if you don’t remember, how exactly does one forget a story about a crazy astronaut who wore adult diapers during her cross-country trip to attack an ex-bf’s new piece?  No really.  I mean I don’t necessarily want to forget this story, but there are plenty of other things I want to forget.  As if the Depends weren’t crazy enough, let’s reminisce about the contents of her trunk, shall we?  Gloves, a wig, a hammer, a knife, and garbage bags.  No relationship is worth being this crazy or dealing with someone this crazy, never forget that.  PS how would you like finding out this is your new man’s ex?  Talk about a lifetime of looking over your shoulder, no thanks!

James Harrison.  Dudes I didn’t forget about you, don’t worry.  Let’s all try to put ourselves in James Harrison’s shoes.  Your fiance tells you she’s not only pregnant, she’s carrying twins, super happy, right?  A few months later, twins are born and guess what?  They look completely different.  Not just fraternal style, but so different you get a paternity test.  I can’t even imagine how different two kids that shot of the same birth canal would have to look for me to think they should get a paternity test.  Like one would have to be blonde haired and blue eyed, the other would have to be a Klingon.  Then you find out you’re only the father of one of them.  Yup, your fiance cheated on you, probably banging a dude the same day you made sweet, tender love.  How’s that for a kick in the teeth?

Victoria Thorp.  Poor Vicky, she’s a classic case a woman going all out for her man and getting nothing in return.  She may have seen “Escape From Alcatraz” one too many times, but all she wanted to do is bust the love of her life out of the clink.  Victoria breaks into a minimum-security prison to help her man escape and what does that cad do?  Leaves her there and makes a run for it.  So not only does she end up with a jail sentence of her own, but she has to do her time knowing her man left her high and dry.  That’s no kind of way to treat a ride or die kind of bitch.

John Doe from Qena, Egypt.  Despite all my research (typing “penis” “Qena” in Bing) I could not find this dude’s name, but I totally don’t blame him.  Basically this cat is from a prominent family, he wanted to marry a woman from a lower class, his family said no, and he said “oh yeah?  I’ll show you” and cut off his penis.  I’ll see your “cut off your nose to spite your face” and raise you “cut off my junk to spite my parents”.  A doctor was unable to reattach his little Pharaoh; so the moral of this story is don’t do anything rash in the heat of the moment like cut off a body part.

And last but not least some lady whose name I can’t share.  I used to work at the call center for NSTAR (unrelated but great job during the storm NSTAR employees, I know how hard it is and I hope your OT check is big enough to go on a tropical vacation) and a common call we would get is a spouse taking over an account for a deceased spouse.  Because I am, all evidence to the contrary, a nice person with feelings I would always chat with these people, tell them I was sorry, ask how they were holding up, etc.  Well one day I told a woman I was very sorry to hear of her husband passing and she told me “don’t be, I found at the reading of the will he had a girlfriend on the side for years that he was paying for”.  Oh.  My.  God.  I am not speechless often, but in this instance I had no idea what to say.  I thought for a minute and said, “Well let’s see if her electricity is in his name so we can shut it off”.  Can you imagine finding out at the reading of your beloved’s will that they not only cheated on you, but they were also paying for a kept woman?  I think I’d dig him up and kill him all over again, ain’t love grand.

Have I cheered you up?  Yeah I haven’t cheered myself up either, want to meet at Tasty Burger and eat our feelings?  Happy Valentine’s Day!