Gross Breakfast

Written by Heather Foley

A couple weeks ago I read what may have been the grossest headline ever, “Mountain Dew Announces Breakfast Drink”.  BRB, I have to go wash the puke out of my mouth.  I’m back.  Because I’m nothing if not timely and relevant, I decided to sit on this headline for a bit while I decided what to do with it.  Yes, I have been brainstorming for a month, not severely depressed and barely functioning, so I don’t know why you’re even thinking that.  Where was I?  Oh right, a new gross breakfast Mountain Dew.  So after thinking about it, I have decided that we (aka the world) don’t need this product, which I assume will be called something like Extreme Breakfast Dew, or Ecto-juice 2.0.  Ladies and gentleman, the world is already chock full of disgusting breakfast options!  You just need to open your eyes to the wonderment around you.

Regular Mountain Dew.  We already have regular Mountain Dew (which I have seen people drink for breakfast, um ya gross) why do we need special breakfast Mountain Dew?  What are the Mountain Dew folks going to add to make it breakfast worthy?  Egg whites?  Protein powder?  I doubt it, probably just more sugar and caffeine.

McGriddles.  When these first came out I was pretty on board.  Maple flavored griddlecakes with sausage patties sound like heaven.  I love dunking my sausages (and bacon) in maple syrup, so I’ll love a McGriddle, right?  Wrong.  A funny thing happened on the way to McDonalds, I read the fine print.  McGriddles have maple syrup chunks that explode in your mouth when you bite into them.  Without going into too much detail (because I am first and foremost a lady) there is something unsettling about a breakfast sandwich shooting in my mouth first thing in the morning.  I mean buy me a drink first, am I right ladies?

Torani Chicken and Waffles Syrup.  Just for clarification, this is not syrup you would put on a plate of chicken and waffles, this is syrup that is flavored to taste like chicken and waffles.  I have really only seen these kinds of syrup in the real world used in coffee drinks, which begs the question, who wants a chicken and waffles latte?  Scratch that, I don’t want to know who would drink a chicken and waffles latte.  If you really want something that tastes like chicken and waffles, why not have actual chicken and waffles?  I mean that dish is everywhere anyway.

Monster Energy Drink.  Seeing someone with a giant energy drink pretty much always grosses me out, but seeing someone with one of those big old cans before 9am?  Super gross.  Listen, I know we all need a little pick-me-up in the morning; I get it, but give me a break.  I can confidently say that I have never seen anyone sipping on an energy drink before lunch (or even after really) that looked like they needed any energy above and beyond walking from the couch to the fridge.

Bagelfuls.  For those of you who don’t know what a Bagelful is, its basically a tubular bagel calzone stuffed with cream cheese filling.  Maybe I’m just sensitive to breakfast foods shooting in my mouth (see also McGriddles), but I think Bagelfuls are kinda yucky.  Also my general attitude is “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”, so why mess with a normal bagel?  Like, are bagels really that tricky?  I doubt it; just eat a darn bagel already.

Super Jumbo Large Coffee Extra, Extra Light with 14 Sugars.  Every once in a while I am completely disgusted by the coffee order of a total stranger.  Extra, extra light?  Double-digit sugars?  Hate to break it to you, but you don’t even like coffee, you like frappes because that’s practically what your “coffee” order is.  If you don’t like coffee, you don’t like coffee, it’s no big deal, you don’t have to drink it just because everyone else is.  If everyone else jumped of a bridge, blah, blah, blah.

Now I know these are just my personal feelings, but I’m pretty confident most normal, grown-ass people would agree that everything I listed is pretty darn gross, and even if you don’t agree with everything you probably agree with a few.  I also think Fruity Pebbles are gross, but that’s only because I once got the stomach flu after eating them and haven’t been able to look at them since, I know they’re truly delicious.  So I guess I’m trying to say that its possible for me to separate what is truly gross from what I just don’t like, and breakfast Mountain Dew is truly gross, and if you drink it, you’re gross too.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.