I am not a germaphobe per se, but even before COVID, I considered myself pretty germ aware, maybe even germaphobe-curious. I don’t want to brag but I had a stockpile of hand sanitizer before it was cool. So as someone who is both germaphobe-curious and a silver lining seeker, I’m trying to see the best in this whole COVID mishegas, and the best would be a future in which we were all much less disgusting. Yes, we’re pretty gross, and there’s nothing like a worldwide pandemic to shine a light on that grossness. Since March we’ve all (hopefully) done away with some pretty revolting behavior, and I’m hoping these five particular instances stay gone forever…
Peace At Church
I’m not claiming to go to church every week, but when I do go I spend the majority of Mass sweating out the sign of peace. How do I nicely tell the older gal in front of me with a dirty tissue peeking out of her sleeve that I’d sooner lick a toilet seat than touch her hand? Have you ever gone to a Catholic Mass in the winter? It’s a symphony of wet coughs.
This might be a bridge too far for some, but I say abolish handshakes as a customary greeting. Did you know that pre-Covid only about 40% of Americans washed their hands after they used the bathroom? And upon meeting someone I’m supposed to trust that they are not part of the nasty 40% that has dookie on their hands? I’m sorry baby but you have to earn that trust.
Blowing Out Birthday Candles
A couple weeks before the world came to a screeching halt my amazing friends threw me a fantastic 40th birthday party, which was weird because I’m only 32. Anyhoo, at said birthday party I was brought a cake, and when everyone was done singing “Happy Birthday” I blew my cooties all over that cake; and then everyone ate it. EVERYONE ATE A CAKE I BLEW MY BREATH ALL OVER. Can you imagine doing such a thing now? Disgusting.
Licking Your Finger Before Turning The Page
I don’t even know what to say. Turning a page is not hard enough to warrant such reckless behavior.
In theory I love a buffet – I get to decide how much mashed potatoes I want – and you should always be the captain of your own gravy boat, but in practice? Yuck. The very idea of uncovered food sitting out for hours with hoards of strangers helping themselves and all using the same serving spoon? The hardest of no thank yous. What’s that you say? What about the sneeze guard? Oh you simple fool. I like to imagine a world filled with elbow coughing, clean bowling ball finger holes (don’t get me started), and a head nod being the official Catholic sign of peace. In the meantime, wear your mask, wash your hands, use common sense, and in general just don’t be a plague rat.