4.2 min readBy Published On: February 16th, 2016Categories: Features0 Comments

This here is a post for all the lovers out there (I know, I know, I have no business writing anything for “lovers” but back off, ok?).  Are you getting some Valentine’s Day nookie?  Good for you!  Do you have something sexy and red to wear?  Good for you!  Are you a little skittish about traipsing around your boudoir in a naked-semi-naked state in an effort to make your Valentine’s Day lovemaking (I vomited immediately after typing that) extra special?  Not so good for you, but I can help!  You are only human, we all get a little nervous about disrobing, we’re all a little less confident in our birthday suit…well except for those psycho’s on HBO’s Real Sex, why is it the last people you want to see naked are way too comfortable whipping their sweat suits off?  Anyhoo, back to your naked insecurities, there are all sorts of tips and tricks to feeling more comfortable in the buff, and I’m sure one or two of mine can help you!

First and foremost, don’t compare yourself to anyone else.  You are not Gigi Hadid or whichever Kardashian/Jenner is your preferred body type (I’m a Rob), so don’t waste your time comparing yourself to their photoshopped, filtered to high hell Instagram pics.  And for the dudes out there you are not Tom Selleck or one of the One Direction boys (is one of then named Zac?) and you never will be, let it go.  You know what, I know you’re never going to stop comparing yourself to other people, so maybe just compare yourself to someone uglier/heavier/wrinklier than you.

Ok, now the real stuff you can actually physically do…

Go get a spray tan!  I don’t know what it is about a spray tan, but I’ve never not felt ten pounds lighter and two inches taller after getting one.  And if you want you can go full Mariah Carey and ask your spray tanner to shade some ab muscles on for you.  Werk that six pack, gurl!  (PS I get my spray tans from Robin at The Beauty Bar)

Get some lotion, ashy!  If your skin looks like an albino alligator you’re never going to feel sexy, never ever, so lotion up!  Also, and I’m going to try to put this as delicately as possible, when you are making the beast with two backs there is rubbing and friction and the like, when your skin is dry it flakes off, you do not want it to look like it snowed all over your bed while you try to bask in the afterglow.

Call in the hair patrol!  Now before I anger the pro-body hair contingency let preface what I’m about to say with a disclaimer, I am not body hair shaming.  If you like to walk around with leg hair and pit hair and hoo-ha hair you do you.  I am not advocating that hairless is the standard, I am advocating you do what you gotta do to feel the best in the skin you’re in.  Now that that out of the way, is it time for a trim?   And while you’re at it run a full body scan to check for those weirdo little errant hairs that pop-up, I have a crazy one on my shoulder, I call her Lucille.

And finally, right before the big reveal…

Take the edge off, drink some wine!  Sometimes you need a little something extra to get calm and centered and present in the moment.  For some people they may silently repeat a mantra, or practice a breathing exercise, but really the way to do it is with a glass of wine.  And by “a glass” I mean three.  PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT if you need three glasses of wine every time you see/go to pound-town with your partner you may want to do some serious thinking.

Get ya heels!  Similar to a spray tan, heels make you feel a little thinner and taller, probably because they instantly improve your posture, so throw a pair on and STRUT.  Unless you don’t know how to walk in heels, you will not feel more comfortable nekkid if you look like baby Bambi on the ice for the first time.

And last but not least…shut off all the lights blame Eversource for another “power outage”.

Ok, I think you’re ready, go forth and make whoopy!  And while you’re mid boots knocking and you realize you more confident in the human form just think of me and smile.  Nope, that’s weird, I take it back, don’t think of me.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

*Disclaimer, both Caught In Southie and Heather Foley know that she has absolutely no right to give tips on anything having to do with sex, romance, love, Valentine’s Day, basic human interaction, and/or life in general.

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