Facebook Friends

Written by Heather Foley

How many Facebook friends do you have?  Do you like all of them?  LOL, of course you don’t!  No one likes all his or her Facebook friends, it’s just science.  Some people are annoying in real life, some are annoying on the book, and some just annoy the heck out me both in person and on the interweb.  Often we don’t have any idea how annoying a person can be until they friend us, and by then we’re right in the thick of it.  I can’t even use the angle “love to hate”, because people are so damn annoying on Facebook I just plain ol’ hate them.

1.  The liking bandit.  Do you have a friend who likes everything you throw out there?  Every pic, every check-in, every RIP for a dead celebrity?  If you share this blog they’ll probably like it (and not even realize that they’re guilty of liking bandit status).  I have a little advice if it just dawned on you that you are in fact a liking bandit, stop trying so damn hard.  And maybe set some limits, like you’re only allowed to like one thing a day.
2. The friend who just found Jesus, or sobriety, or a new political party, or a new diet, or whatever.  There is nothing worse than someone who has just seen the light and reformed their ways.  In the old days we would only have to listen to their condescending, preachy nonsense when we ran into them at Osco’s, but now we get daily doses through our newsfeed, awesome.  If this is you, please think before you post, you’re driving us crazy.
3. Is this Facebook or my diary?  For some reason a lot of people seem to confuse their Facebook status updates with their journal.  I don’t know how it happens, my journal doesn’t give me status, photo, and check-in options, does yours?  And since their Facebook page is full of domestic drama and dirty laundry, does that mean their diary is full of car temperature pics and gym check-ins?  For all of those that confuse the two, I have a question. Are you really comfortable with everyone knowing your relationship issues (seems to be the most common over share)?  Maybe save some of that crazy for just your real life friends who actually care, because about 98% don’t give a crap.
4. The secretly sad bragger.  Are you super fun?  Is every check-in and status update reminding us all how awesome you are?  Well, while you think you’re rubbing our collective nose in bottle service and high roller shenanigans, we’re thinking, “If this dope is really having a good time why are the attached to their phone and posting every 5 minutes?”  Seriously, who are you trying to convince you’re having a good time?  Us or maybe yourself?  Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no one is buying you’re awesome, however we are buying that you’re pretty effin needy.  
5. The first person to ever have a child, ever.  I’m a parent, we all love our kids, I get it, but some of you need to chill the hell out.  Your kid is really only special to you, and maybe a couple relatives.  Your child was not the first kid to eat cake, poop in the potty, or cry on Santa’s lap, so stop acting like he or she is.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had many a day made by a friends cute baby pic or post about their kid, but some of you are pretty obnoxious.  And odds are this person started off as the first person to ever be pregnant, world doesn’t revolve around you and your offspring chump!  We can also apply this to people who post nonstop about their pets, gag me.
6. The self-pic artist.  How many duck faced self-pics can one person take in their bathroom?  Just click on this person’s profile and mobile pic albums to find out.  For the record the answer should be zero, but it’s probably over 100.  Who started the lie that this is a flattering pic?  No one looks cute duck facing, so please stop because you come off as a giant jackass.
7. The obsessive checker inner.  The check in option can be fun, I love to check in every once and a while.  I think when I speak for all your FB friends when I say you don’t need to check in everywhere you go, no one is that invested in your whereabouts, no one.  Well, except for maybe a serial killer like in that Criminal Minds when the killer stalked people via Facebook.  First time I ever routed against the BAU, true story.  The silver lining about the obsessive checker inner is that they are super easy to avoid in real life since you always know where they are.  Unfortunately the obsessive checker inner is probably also an obsessive status updater, so they can really clog up your news feed.  If you’re one of these dopes I might I hate you the most.
8. Facebook only friend.  This one might be the oddest off all.  Do you ever wonder why you get a friend request from someone who would rather cross the street than say hi to you? Seriously, why do people do this?  If you wouldn’t let me know if my eyebrows were on fire in real life, don’t send me a friend request.  Maybe these people just want a high number of FB friends?  Or maybe they’re just total weirdos, either way stop.

If you’re one of my friends reading this and thinking, “Did I inspire this blog?’ the answer is no.  Of course you didn’t, don’t be silly.  You are perfect and the sun doesn’t even bother to shine until you open your eyes in the morning, PSYCH!  Bad news kiddo, if you think you’re one of these Facebook friends you probably are, heck some of you are multiple offenders, but it’s not too late, you can pull it together.  This time around names have been withheld to protect the annoyingly guilty, but I won’t protect you forever.  If the past couple weekends are any indication of what I’m going to have to deal with this summer, I’m probably going to end up outing you as an annoying Facebook friend.  Oh and if I defriend you, you now know why, because you’re obnoxious as all hell and I just can’t take it anymore, other than that party on!