Written by Heather Foley (originally posted 2012)
There’s been a lot of hub-bub over Boston being honored with the title of America’s drunkest city, but what there hasn’t been a lot of buzz about (terrible pun absolutely intended) is that right around the same time The New York Times broke a story about drunk online shopping. Basically, the article states that in the past few years there’s been a pretty significant increase in evening online shopping, coinciding right around the time when people would be enjoying an adult beverage or two. They interviewed some drunk shoppers who have bought everything from used CDs to a $10,000 vacation. Oh, and they bring up the point that you can drunk online shop without pesky fellow shoppers judging your stumbling ass like when you drunk shop in a store. So where does drunk online shopping intersect with America’s drunkest city? Right here!
I want to start off by saying I don’t have a problem, well, not a drunk shopping problem – I have lots of other problems. I don’t drunk shop all the time and when I do it’s never anything on the $10,000 vacation level, but there have been a couple cocktail aided purchases along the way. Some good, some bad, and some completely insane.
Here are a few:
Malibu Pilates Machine. Yup, I bought one. I blame red wine, Susan Lucci, and QVC. See, QVC has this genius concept called ‘easy pay’. They take something like the deluxe Malibu Pilates set which has a price tag of a couple hundred buck and break it up into small payments, so it’s very easy for a slightly intoxicated mind to justify buying anything, like Malibu Pilates (bad) or a Vitamix (good). And for the record the best workout I got on the machine was putting it together.
Black faux leather hot pants. I was in a fierce late night bidding on eBay over these bad boys and yay me – I won. Well, not really yay me, more like meh me. Had I been sober and rational, maybe I would have noticed the length of these shorty shorts was a wee bit short. Probably not, I never read that crap, but at least I would have most likely realized that something as delicate as leather shorts should always be tried on before purchased. They technically fit, but they’re way short, so I think I either need to shrink an inch or two or lose enough weight that they hang so loose they appear longer.
Multiples. Another eBay late night special. I’ve bought the same plaid mini skirt twice, and the same silk tank with petal detail, twice. Who does that? I do, that’s who.
Belly dancing DVDs. I don’t even know how to rationalize this one. I bought a whole set on Amazon. I think I did them twice – the music gave me a headache and the instructor looked six months pregnant – not exactly the core I want.
Speaking of my core, I recently made a very exciting intoxicated purchase, a weighted hula-hoop! So I haven’t gotten this in the mail yet, but I’m really looking forward to it. Maybe it will be that rare late night drunken purchase that actually works out. And believe it or not, I actually did a little research before I bought this time. What does cocktail time research look like? Well, the weighted hoop is supposed to be good for your abs, so I pulled my shirt up and pretended to hula-hoop, and my stomach muscles actually worked a little with an imaginary weightless hoop, imagine the workout I’ll get with a weighted one? I love science.
Regardless of how ridiculous my previously mentioned purchases are, I still think they’re better that ordering myself a Pu Pu platter for four (for one) after I have a couple drinks, right?
Happy shopping! Drink up!
Editor’s note: To this date, Heather has NOT worn her leather hot pants.