3.9 min readBy Published On: July 10th, 2013Categories: Features0 Comments

Dating Red Flags for the Beach

First of all, let me apologize for not writing anything lately.  You see I’ve been super busy sitting on the couch and eating Triscuits that I just haven’t been able to find the time to write, I’m sure you understand.  I did, however, manage to sneak in a couple trips to M St. beach into my busy schedule of couch sitting and Triscuit eating and let me say, “Whoa!”  It was not that long ago that I would be one of five or six people at the beach, and now it gives Miami a run for its money.  And you know what that means, right?  Meat market city.  The beach is overflowing with young beautiful(ish) people, so obviously there are love connections to be made.

Now you might think sussing out a potential playmate at the beach would be pretty easy since everyone is already half naked and what else is there really.  Well, you’re half right! How people look in a bathing suit is obvi super important, but since you’re sitting with the sun in your eyes and possibly having a cocktail or seven, you might be lulled into a false sense of “he/she is so dreamy” with the mere flash of a navel.  Well, lucky for you I’ve got a list of beach specific red flags you can easily spot at even the most crowded beach day, read an be informed:

Certain tattoos.  Settle down tattoo enthusiasts, I’m not saying all tattoos are red flags, but let’s get real! Some tattoos may as well say “run away as fast as you can”.  These warning tattoos include inspirational quotes (do you really want someone who needs to look at their wrist in order to cope with day to day life?), anything from the neck up (dead giveaway for a psychopath), rosary beads (ah-hem, looking at you, Situation), and a “realistic” face (who wants an extra set of eye looking at you?).

Water shoes. Yes, the sand can get hot, yes the sand can be rocky and hurt your precious little tootsies, but no grown ass man or woman should ever be wearing water shoes at the beach. 

A fitted sheet.  Annette Funicello may have been all about beach blanket bingo, but she wants you to buy an actual beach blanket.  You don’t get to pull your fitted sheet off your bed, head to the beach and act like you’re a normal person.

High heels.  You know who gets to wear high heels at the beach?  Beyonce, that’s it.  If you are not Beyonce you do not get to wear high heels at the beach, or excessive jewelry.

Liquor/beer company swimwear.  I don’t care if it’s a Corona string bikini or Jack Daniels swim trunks, if someone has a boozy bathing suit they’re going to be buying your birthday present at Spencer Gifts, and you don’t want that, right?

Drinking beer out of the can/bottle.  This is a dead giveaway the person is either a dope or an a-hole, and you shouldn’t want either.  All you have to do is pour that beer into a cup and the Staties don’t have to tell you to dump it out.  If someone doesn’t bother to cup it they are either dumb or think they’re tough.

Jeans.  “Who wears jeans to the beach” you ask?  Believe it or not I saw people in jeans (not chicks in cut-offs, not Tobias Funke) at M St. beach on July 4th, when it was roughly 4000 degrees.  I don’t know if these people were hipsters or foreign, but either way they should know better and I hope their legs were stained blue from sweating in dark denim.

Feeding the birds.  There is no acceptable situation for feeding the birds, but there’s a special place in hell for people who do it at a crowded beach.  If you see someone feeding the birds know that they are the worst kind of person and you shouldn’t waste a second of your time on them.  Personally, I think everyone who feeds the birds should be rounded up and shot.

Now I’m not saying if someone doesn’t have any of these red flags they won’t totally suck, odds are they probably will but it’s a start to weed out the losers.  Like even if a dude still is awful, at least you won’t be sleepy on sandy sheets if you decide to bang him, so you’re welcome.