Bring on the Divorce Parties

Maybe it’s just I’m at that age, or maybe all the algorithms have caught on that I’m a bitter middle-aged spinster with no prospects who has resigned to a lifetime of loneliness, but I seem to have an influx of divorce stories on all the TLs.  Celebrity divorces, listicles on how to see divorce coming, leading causes of divorce, divorce related murder (if the algorithm really got me it would know that newlywed murder, specifically cruise ship newlywed murder, is my kink); if it’s at all divorce adjacent it’s found its way into my twitter, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, LinkedIn, and sponsored ads.

Amidst all the divorce content, I’ve noticed an emerging trend, and since no one in real life will talk to me right because I’ve communicated in nothing but I Think You Should Leave quotes for the past three months, I’m going to talk about it with you; divorce parties. They appear to be becoming a thing, and friends I’m cautiously optimistic.

It might seem weird to declare I’m optimistic about divorce parties, but hear me out.  First of all, have you ever really been sad when a friend told you she was getting divorced?  Of course not, you know your friend can do much better!  Of course, when they tell you it’s all, “oh my God no, I’m so sorry”, but in the secret group chat it’s “praise his light, she finally left that dolt”.  I welcome the chance to celebrate a dear friend moving onward and upward.

And I don’t know about you, but a divorce party sounds a heck of a lot more fun than a baby shower.  I would much rather gas a friend up for swiping on Tinder than ooh and ahh at the opening of a three pack of onesies…except of course for anyone reading this whose baby shower I went to.  I loved oohing and ahhing when you opened onesies and a breast pump, top notch fun!  I mean, I assume if nothing else, a divorce party will have more booze than a baby shower, and less melted candy bars that look like poop.

Now here comes the “cautiously” part!  It’s only a matter of time before divorce parties are trending on Pinterest, and then, oof.  Let’s face it, we find a way to ruin EVERYTHING and divorce parties will probably be no different.  I remember the first Christmas sweater party I went to almost twenty years ago, and it was new and novel and fun.  WE BEAT THEM INTO THE GROUND.  What was once a fun quirky thing a couple decades ago is now the most basic, low base party one can throw.  Will Target be selling painfully unfunny Divorce Party merch?  Probably some day!

Personally, I have a feeling that Divorce Parties will follow the Gender Reveal trajectory.  It’s only a matter of time before a national forest is up in flames because some drunk middle-aged gals burned a dickhead ex-husband in effigy.  Mark my words.

But back to being positive, I’ve spent twenty years celebrating traditional milestones, and I’m ready to celebrate some nontraditional ones.  Let’s celebrate your divorce, or breakup, or quitting a job you hate.  Let’s plan a night out for paying off a credit card, or maxing one out.  Want to raise a glass to finishing that book – either writing or reading?  I’m your girl!  You actually ate your homemade lunch every day this week and didn’t get takeout?  Set a boundary and stuck to it?  Marie Kondo-ed your closet?  Finally completed that menial task you’ve been putting off for a month?  Ignored a text message from someone toxic?  Let’s party!  I don’t want to be friend whose just there for the big things; I want to be there for the ups and downs, the bigs and the smalls.  If I’m down, I’m all the way down.  So if you get divorced, I’ll be there to pat you on the shoulder, tell you you’re a magical unicorn who deserves the world (because that’s the one hundred percent truth), pour you a stiff drink, and even help burn your ex in effigy…as long as you promise me we won’t end up on the news.