2.3 min readBy Published On: June 26th, 2014Categories: Features0 Comments

Congratulations Luis Suarez, you did it! You got me to pay attention to soccer.  I’ve spent my whole 28 years on this earth (shut up) convinced I could never ever find soccer the least bit interesting and then BOOM, you chomp on someone’s shoulder like it’s a turkey leg at a Renaissance Faire and suddenly I’m all in.  Well, as all in as I’m ever going to be when it comes to soccer – which is not a lot.  I do not condone violence, nor do I enjoy it (lies, all lies) but I have to admit, the very possibility of a biting incident piques my interest.  And apparently when Suarez is on the field, there’s a real chance someone leaves with teeth marks. Did you know some people actually bet that Suarez would bite someone in The World Cup?  He’s bitten enough people playing soccer that it’s a thing.  People won money betting that this joker would act like an animal, and I wasn’t one of them.

Now I know biting an opposing player is wrong!  It’s despicable and it’s gross, but it also makes soccer roughly 300 times more exciting.  Soccer seems to be a lot of running around, a bit of diving, and very little scoring – kind of like a typical Saturday night for me, HI-OH! I think a constant threat of having someone bite a player could really up the ante.  Nothing like everyone having to keep their head on a swivel to really get the adrenaline pumping.  Suarez himself hasn’t really admitted to being a biter.  He’s basically said, “Hey, sh*t happens when you’re in the heat of the moment” (which is also the faux-pology I give when I bite a guy) and shrugged his shoulders. 

FIFA is holding an investigation into the incident.  All evidence had to be submitted by last night and a decision must be reached before Uruguay’s match on Saturday.  If Suarez is found guilty of assaulting a player, he could be banned for up to 24 matches.  Believe it or not, Suarez has been banned twice before for biting opponents.  I know nothing about soccer, but that seems like a lot.  Now I don’t want to make excuses, but maybe there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for his biting ways?  I mean have you seen the chompers on Suarez?  I’m not even sure he’s intentionally biting people.  Could the answer be filing his teeth down?  Or maybe something as simple as making him wear a mouth guard?  Mandatory mouth guards, problem solved! Now if I could only think of something to fix the injury faking, whining, and diving.

USA!  USA!