Written by Heather Foley
My condolences if your name was part of the recent Ashley Madison hacking debacle. I may not agree with cheating on your significant other, but I certainly don’t believe that cheating warrants your personal information being shared online and a good internet shaming, unless your name rhymes with Fugger. I don’t think its poetic justice or karma, I think it’s two wrongs making a big ol’ mess. It’s been widely reported that Ashley Madison has over 37 million members, which is a staggering number. Numbers make my eyes glaze over, so I’m not sure what that means population and percentage wise, but I find it hard to believe that there are 37 million people actively looking for an adulterous relationship.
Since I find it so hard to believe, there must be another explanation, right? All 37 million accounts can’t be for cheating, some have to be for other reasons. And I bet your account was one of the accounts set up for other reasons! And I bet you set it up so long ago and haven’t logged into it since so you probably don’t even remember why you set it up in the first place! Well luckily for you I have a few excuses you can use that I totally didn’t make up for myself to use.
“I was sleuthing.” Go from zero to hero in no time flat. Explain how a coworker thought their spouse was cheating but couldn’t bring themselves to look. You’re such a good friend that you bit the bullet and checked yourself. And you even used your own credit card, someone’s on the fast track to heaven.
“I thought Ashley Madison was one of those preppy online stores that sold monogrammed tote bags.” Hey, it happens.
“It’s research, babe.” Everything you did on Ashley Madison was research for that relationship blog you’re going to start any day now.
“I was hacked.” Your debit card was part of the latest TJX, Target, Aunty Annie’s, or whatever security breach and you watched The Interview and Team America in the same weekend, this has Kim Jong-un written all over it.
“I only set up a profile to hate read other profiles.” You know, like why you watch Girls or read anything I write.
“There’s a glitch in the matrix.” You can’t get into the specifics just yet, but this probably has something to do with the parallel Berenstein Bears/Berenstain Bears universes. You have to be real careful which pill you choose.
When push comes to shove it’s usually just best to tell the truth. So proudly proclaim you’re a creep! And then beg for forgiveness and promise you’ll never do it again. Unless your name rhymes with Smugger, then you’ll just pray on it and claim it brought you closer to God.