3.8 min readBy Published On: June 4th, 2013Categories: Blog0 Comments on Advice to future mob molls

(Orignally posted 8/11) Written by Heather Foley

So after a 16-year global manhunt with tips pouring in across the globe, Whitey Bulger and Catherine Greig were found living modestly in Santa Monica. 

Did anyone else assume they were living a little more glamorously?  I’ve watched enough gangster movies and episodes of Mob Wives to know money is supposed to be no object when it comes to keeping a moll happy.  Jewelry, furs, luxury cars, these are the gifts mob bosses shower on their ladies.  Well it looks like Catherine Greig was absent they day they explained all that at mob moll orientation.  She went on the lam with one of the biggest gangsters in the game to live in a rent controlled apartment.  Seriously?   Could she really have known this was the life they were setting out for?  Did Whitey pull the old bait and switch, promising her they would be living the good life in Capri but taking her to an old folks apartment building?  She had to think they would be living high off the hog, right?

Del Boca Vista

If a crime boss asked me to run away with them, aside from being absolutely freaking terrified, I would assume we would be island hopping in the Mediterranean with the likes of Beyonce and Jay- Z or maybe starting over as inn owners in a quaint European village, not hanging with a bunch of old farts at the Princess Eugenia.  And maybe I watch too much TV but did anyone else have visions of Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld’s condo complex Del Boca Vista as soon as they showed they showed Whitey’s apartment building?  I couldn’t help but think of Whitey and Catherine living like Morty and Helen Seinfeld, bickering about the air conditioner while Whitey polishes his firearm collection.  Or maybe their domestic partnership was more like Randy Quaid and his wacko wife, probably.

Not coked out, hot mess Ginger

If I was going to run off with a mobster, I would immediately start dressing like Ginger in Casino.  And hot Ginger from the first half of the movie, not coked out, hot mess Ginger with the Carol Brady shag.  High flipped ponytail, mini-dresses, fur stoles, that’s how to dress.  Hhhhhmmmm, I might start dressing like that anyway, I’ve actually been stopped by strangers and told what a nice ponytail I have.  Or maybe I would dress like Michelle Pfeiffer in Married to the Mob.  Over the top animal prints, shoulder pads, big polka dots, ridiculously over-sized jewelry, that’s what the public wants to see in a mob girlfriend.  (Total side note, but speaking of Michelle Pfeiffer, how good does she look.)  My point is you need to have fun with your clothes.  They’re an extension of your personality and I’m thoroughly disappointed in what we’ve seen from Catherine Greig.  I wanted to see glamorous gun moll in a mug shot, not the lunch lady in a year book photo.  And I know you’re all thinking it so I’ll say it, “Whitey is 20 years older, say what?”  They made such a big deal about her being vain and going to great lengths to keep up her appearance that I was kind of hoping she would like a cross between Janice Dickenson and Carmella Soprano, no such luck.

Look good in your mug shot

So clearly I’ve been thinking a lot about Catherine Greig lately, and I’m convinced the rent controlled life she was living was not how she thought things would end up but what could she do?  I’ll tell you what she could have done, written up a contract!  Ladies if you’re ever about to go the run with yo man make sure you have him sign something first, that way you know you’ll look good in your mug shot!  And here is a quick list of things you might want to include in your negotiations:

  • Hair and makeup budget, I will never go that white ?
  • Clothing and shoe allowance for each of the four seasons and extra money if travel to a different climate is needed ?
  • A set number of salon/spa visits a month ?
  • Nips and tucks to be named later ?
  • Veneers if ever the need should arise ?
  • A walk-in closet bigger than your eventual jail cell ?
  • At least 4 fine dining meals a month and 2 exotic vacations a year ?
  • The right to veto an apartment at Shady Pines

Good luck ladies!!