Written by Heather Foley
First I would like to welcome you to South Boston. I think Southie is just about the greatest place in the world to live, work, and play, and I’m willing anyone who spends a little time here will think the same. We have a thriving small business community, exciting restaurant scene, the natural beauty of parks and beaches, and some of the greatest people you could ever hope to meet. Coming in for the parade will give you just a small glimpse of all that South Boston has to offer. Ok, now that you know how much I love Southie I have a favor to ask you, don’t use my neighborhood as a giant public toilet, ok?
Now you might be reading this and thinking, “Heather, I am a civilized person, I would never in a million year degrade myself so much as to urinate (or worse) in public, at a parade, in the afternoon, with families and children milling about” and to that I say, you’d be surprised. There is something about the St. Patrick’s Day parade that turns at least somewhat reasonable (I assume) people into animals. Just last year we were sent multiple pictures of dozens of people lined up to go to the bathroom in the Rite Aid parking lot. I should mention there were no port-a-potties in the parking lot, just a dumpster to squat behind, which is kind of fitting since if you’re relieving yourself in such a manner you are a dumpster of a person.
I have chased people away from peeing on neighbors’ houses, I’ve heard way too many firsthand accounts of people coming home to human poop in their driveways or catching someone using their yard as a urinal, and it’s disgusting, and if you even entertain the notion you’re disgusting too. I implore you, I beg you, don’t literally piss all over South Boston when you come in for the parade. And if you do I hope someone snaps a nice clear picture, and I hope they post it on Facebook, and I hope someone tags your mom so she knows what a vile human being you turned out to be, or I hope whoever’s yard you sneak into knocks you out.
Enjoy the parade, everyone!